Beer festival season is here. Craft brewers congregate, showcasing their wares. With the upcoming hot weather, it’s definitely time to bust out the adult beverages.
This website has a couple of authors who could be called beer enthusiasts. They are up to date on the latest trends, and know the best spots to quaff. They frequent the beer tents, know hop quotients, can tell which beer is “smoky, with a hint of persimmon and coconut” and the like. I’m glad they are here. After a $5 cover charge, a dollar a sip or $4 a mug, my drinking money would be gone quick.
The old saying is ‘Write about what you know’. Since I rarely drink anymore, and this review is mostly from memory, this will probably be my only beer review. Only got ten bucks and want to get stinkin’ drunk? Read on:
After about age 19, I drank for effect more than taste or social lubrication. While I like the taste of beer, the side effects of drinking 3.2 beer (for folks who enjoy urinating!) or, heaven forbid, light beer (like kissing your sister; what’s the point?) can be bothersome. Let me introduce to you the poor man’s nectar, malt liquor.
I chose these five off the shelf at my local Mom & Pop store. (Thanks for sponsoring, Rod!) Since I have had all five of these beers on more than one occasion, I will put them in order of my preference. Your results may vary.
#5.) 211 Steel Reserve. The black can. This has muscled St. Ides out of the top five. Similar to St. Ides, it’s thick and funky and tastes like it’s already made one pass through the kidneys. I wouldn’t drink it with your liver.
#4.) Mickey’s Malt Liquor. The Mean Green, Mickey’s is light, mid-strength and the most refreshing of the brews on this list. Perfect for drinking under the overpass as you wait for the bus and try to kill your hangover.
#3.) Steel Reserve, silver can. A great ‘bad attitude’ beer. Pissed off and feel like fighting? This will push you in one direction or the other. Immediate attitude followed by heavy sedation. It sneaks up on you, so be careful. The next thing you know, transit cops are prodding you with nightsticks, chanting “You can’t sleep here, sir!” This has replaced Rainier Ale as the best fighting beer.
#2.) Olde English 800. Irish Enfamil. I was weaned on this stuff. It’s gone through several incarnations, the most recent of which I’m not fond of. It attacks the gag reflex, and the first one goes down rough. (Beers two through six follow in a more orderly fashion.) It leaves me attacking the roof of my mouth like a dog processing peanut butter. It has gotten me through (and caused) some of the darkest times in my life.
After three decades, it’s no longer my favorite malt liquor. Drum roll please…
#1.) Camo Black Ice. The king is dead, long live the king. I discovered this gem during my last running with the wolves. Served in a tall, cold can, this one makes you sit up and take notice. At 10.5 % alcohol content, it bitch-slaps your brain. It tastes good, but don’t drink it to kill a hangover. It will perpetuate the activities of the night before, and you’ll be crashing into the bathtub on your first trip to the bathroom. The effects stick with you. Stop drinking this stuff two days before you have to be functional again. You’ll thank me later for that piece of advice. Three tall cans get *me* drunk, and I’m used to this stuff.
There you have it, how to get hammered on a budget. Remember, don’t drink and drive, that’s what the bus is for. (If you’re taking MAX, see #3.) Be nice, only use designated bathrooms, and keep in mind that you are neither as funny or charming as you feel. That’s the magic of malt liquor; you feel like Superman, at least until the next morning.
One second thought, maybe you guys should just go to the beer festival…
{ 11 comments }
Gotta say, I do kind of miss Rainier Ale.
Aah, the Green death. Rainier Ale won some awards in its day. It got a bad rap because it didn’t have that ‘Mountain Fresh’ feel that the ‘Wild Rainiers’, (aka regular pounders) had. I supported Rain- eeeeeeer Beeeeeeee-rrrrrrr religiously back in the day, and can still quote some of the commercials. Obviously.
Cosmic Charlie,
Don’t forget the Colt 45…
I think it’s more dangerous than its namesake. A couple of pounders of this one, and you’ll wind up conceiving an illegitimate child, losing at least one of your front teeth, and smell like you bathed in dumpster water.
It tastes like someone from Monsanto mixed it up; spilled the can on the floor; looked quickly to the right and left, and then swept the liquid back into the can.
But it’s cheap!
For those from the Midwest, Green Death was a different beer – Export Ale I believe. I digress.
Great post! I was just talking to a friend the other night who extolled the virtues of Sparks and other fortified fruit beverages. He said one – JOOZ – is 10% and tastes like PEZ. HMMM.
A couple of pounders of this one, and you’ll wind up conceiving an illegitimate child, losing at least one of your front teeth, and smell like you bathed in dumpster water.
Is that what happened to Mike Erickson?
Great post, CC!
For those fond of the Green Death,Rainier Ale 40s are back.
They’ve reappeared at a couple of mom and pop convenience stores on SE Foster.
I can’t say I’m all that eager to rekindle the magic of my youth by knocking back a couple of the Death Torpedos, but its nice to know that they’re there…just in case.
Great post.
I’m glad Dieselboi mentioned Sparks as well. It’s like rancid chemical Tang with a malt beverage kicker.
Sparks is actually tasty compared to Budweiser’s B to the E – their energy beer. It was a short can similar to Red Bull and was beer infused with caffeine, guarana and ginseng.
Dang, now I may have to venture out to Foster!
Rainier Ale in the 40’s is available at Fred Meyer North in salem, also in a little Mom & Pop’s in Aurora (across from Colony Pub). It’s also carried by the Sentry Market in the Lincoln Beach area (just 2 miles North of Depoe Bay.) It’s also sold in Washington State (in 6 packs of cans), something to remember when you have to go over the border.
I don’t know of anyone who sells it in Woodburn (where I’m located), but it’s out there, and it’s worth looking for. I kept a 40 for a year (I was saving it for a special occasion) and it actually was as good (if not better) that it was when “fresh.” Several people said so..or at least they didn’t bitch when I told them how old it was. Last year it was possible to order cases of 40’s (it’s only a 12 pack) from the distributor, but they quit carrying it in 2008. Shows their lack of class, but it is probably a market driven decision. Maybe if we all start buying a lot, they’ll change their mind. I’ll do my part!
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