Ahhhhh another wild weekend of wandering drunks and social misfits who have not a single clue regarding ways to behave in public. Yes, I’m talking about you, roving group of a-holes stumbling in from one of the many nearby bars around 2:30 in the morning. “Hey, the bars are all closed…..let’s go engage in the loudest, most obnoxious jackassery that we can achieve….and let’s do it at that porn shop!” I wasn’t trying to be rude, but technically you weren’t customers since none of you bought anything…..and I’d had a bike crash that day and was just mellowing out on vicodin, trying to make it through the night. Here’s the transcript:
Them: (Unintelligible mix of drunken voices) “Rabblerabbleblahblah….dildo…..blah….blah….duh.”
Me: (Fairly loud) “Hey…..excuse me……I’m not trying to watch a movie or anything”
Them: (Even LOUDER mix of drunken voices) “Derpdederpdederp…….ANALBLAH-DE-BLAH-ANAL-BLAH!!!”
Me: (As loud as I get) “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
They left in a huff, but a relatively peaceful huff. Seriously, I hope all of you made it safely back to the suburbs of Vancouver, and I hope you enjoy the Nickelback concert.
Then there’s the many anonymous callers we get throughout the weekend nights, teenagers usually…..attempting phone pranks, but who are almost always too drunk/stoned and/or stupid to come up with any good material. Here’s a good one from last night:
Me: “Blankity-Blank Video”
Drunk/Mentally Challenged Young Man: (Slurring badly) “Do you have….butt sex?” (other drunk/mentally challenged youths laughing in the background)
Me: “Wow. That’s clever. Did you think that one up all by yourself dipshit?”
D.M.C.Y.M. : (Gets angry/slurring intensifies) “FUCK YOU FAGGOT!!!”
Me: “Hey, just because I let your dad blow me…..doesn’t necessarily make me gay.”
Imagine that. Gay bashed without the benefits. I feel cheated. Just keep those calls coming kiddies. I’m quicker/wiser/smarter and infinitely funnier than you’ll ever be…..even on vicodin.
Best video title of the week? A transgender gang bang flick called “Three Men And A Maybe”.
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If you come across a copy of ‘Bust a Nut in Grandma’s Butt’, set it aside for me, would you? Christmas is coming…
I’ll do it…sounds like you might enjoy a copy of “Black Sticks In Old Chicks” too.
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