If you are new to the Portland Metro area, you probably haven’t had to live through a Portland winter. However, even if you are a seasoned native, it doesn’t hurt to brush up on a few things to expect if it should snow, and how to deal with it once there’s snow on the ground.
Other drivers are the problem
Practice repeating the following: “Portland drivers don’t know how to drive in snow.” Make sure you use a derisive tone of voice. Throw in an off-hand comment about how they never closed school when you were a kid until you had to climb in through the second story window. Rest assured that anyone hearing you will know immediately that you are the exception to the rule, and that plowing through waist-high drifts in your Urban Assault Vehicle is the kind of thing you live for throughout the rest of the year. You might even want to get some cards printed up with your cell phone number on them to hand out, so that less-skilled winter drivers can call you up for a ride when they are too terrified to start their cars.
Stock up on essentials
You may have to go as long as a couple of days without access to grocery stores, so make sure you stock up on necessities: Microbrew, whole-bean coffee, locally-grown produce, and tofu. The stores will be packed with other hysterical Portlanders and the organic mesclun mix will go fast, so bring your shiv. Or a baseball bat.
Local Weather Report Hysteria
For whatever reason, as soon as a dusting of snow appears on the ground, local television stations will immediately dispatch a battalion of reporters and camera crews for local live reports. You can expect at least the following:
– A live feed from Sylvan, showing the snow falling.
– A live feed from an overpass over I-5, showing the snow falling, and the traffic moving slowly.
– A live feed from Troutdale, showing the snow falling, and the traffic moving slowly.
– A live feed from Cascade Locks, showing a blizzard in progress and a dozen or so long-distance truckers stranded by the side of the road. As time passes the truckers will become more and more interested in making CharBurgers out of the hapless reporter, which is always entertaining.
It’s all about the SUV, baby
Remember, you paid for that luxury Expedition, and all the gas it’s been burning, precisely because you need to be able to ferry the kids to band practice on the two days a year that there is actually snow on the road. Don’t worry about learning how to drive on ice, that’s what four-wheel drive is for, right? Just load ‘er up and head ‘er out. Only pussies have to steer into the skid.
Chains? What chains?
Remember that set of chains you bought five years ago because you thought you were going to have to drive to Mt. Hood Meadows that one time? Well, it’s time to dig them out of that pile of crap in the back of the garage. You should put them in your car because otherwise people might think you were unprepared for winter weather. Never mind that you couldn’t actually put them on if you had a gun to your head. Heck, you aren’t even entirely sure whether your car is front-wheel drive or rear-wheel drive. Carry ‘em anyway. It’s the thought that counts.
Public Transportation
If you don’t have chains, or an SUV, you can always opt for TriMet. The buses will start chaining up as soon as three snowflakes fall within a single minute, and they will keep running through a blizzard. Although packing yourself onto a bus full of damp commuters is always less than enjoyable, when the bus DOES lose traction the resulting thrillride as it slides sideways down a hill is well worth the cost of admission.
Do you have other helpful tips for surviving a local snowstorm? Post ‘em in the comments.
{ 9 comments }
Heck, last time it snowed here, I TRIED to take TriMet downtown, and ended up waiting outside for an hour in the falling snow. No bus ever came. So, don’t assume you can depend on the buses to be chained up…
Absolutely splendid, well done! I needed that laugh…
the local news hysteria goes into overdrive long before any snow touches the ground below 3000 feet — the first weather report indicating it could happen at some point in the next 10 days is all it takes.
In my previous life as a professional paramedic/firefighter, I used to get quite irritated when our chief officers would make us chain up at the first sign of a snowflake somewhere in Oregon. Here we were, driving rigs the size of your house, with studded tires no less, and we were putting chains on for that once in a lifetime call in the boonies. Meanwhile, all the regular emergencies received a slower response because of the chains.
I think my disdain was because I actually was one of those reckless sods who knows how to drive in the snow. 40 times a year to Mt. Hood Meadows, in a 280zx, and never chained up.
Great post!
@MeghanH -
I remember the ice storms of 1978. Driving around in my big macho 4×4 pickup. The best part was seeing all the buses in people’s yards. It was fun – until I wrapped my truck around a telephone pole at 116th & NE Glisan! oopie.
It’s also worth noting that, even if you normally obey the speed limit, you have to go twice as fast in the snow it if you own a four-wheel drive vehicle.
This sounds oddly familiar! LA has this problem with rain; people can’t drive in it, everyone complains as though they were undergoing GREAT trauma and distress due to said rain… craziness! The news shows send out “storm watch” crews in LA whenever it rains… *shakes head* You’d think the sky was falling!
You forgot that the news will do a closeup of a rose or other bush to show JUST how much snow and ice are on it. They will then replay that footage as nauseum for days.
Also, don’t forget that the blogs will have live blogging of the first snow with photos and experiences because they will think they are the only one who knows. (I am guilty of this.)
Organic mesclun? Really? I may have to give Trader Joe’s a closer look!
PS- It’s spelled mescaline.
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