This is the one day of the year where I try to think ahead, like beyond my next Happy Hour, even. But this year, typing my pithy resolutions into iResolve makes me wonder if I’m not thinking big enough.
The first step calls for honest assessment on a broad scale. Not so long ago, this World was like a bright kid with a big dick, pretty girlfriend, and basketball scholarship. Now, Dick Cheney has single-handedly transformed Planet Earth into a Toothless Tweaker standing in a Snowbank with a Cardboard Sign.
Sorry to damage your calm, but things are bad, people!
Recovering from the scag years of the W administration is going to require our society to rise above standard resolutions like Save More, Eat Right, and Spend More Time with Family. And our collective goals can’t include that Really Cute Purse you saw on NW 23rd.
We’re all part of the City right? As such, I’d like to offer up the following resolutions that would make my world suck less:
New Year’s Resolutions for PDX:
- Extend TriMet hours so that people can ride mass transit home from the bars. Would you rather that the drunks drive home? Before you get all uppity, musicians, bar employees and strippers need to get home, too.
- Install trap doors into those intersection bike boxes. Some of those ridiculously-clad belligerent PDX biketards really need to vanish from the friggin Earth. You know who they are.
- Salt the friggin roads when it snows and the shit will just melt. A good portion of the country has snow on the ground for months and they don’t just shut down. Salty melted snow will then just flow into the river and into the salty ocean anyway.
- Fine the dog poop leavers. First offense: $500 fine. Second offense: Fido gets handed over to some restaurant on East 82nd.
{ 3 comments }
I’m all for extended Tri-Met hours.
I’ll never get killed by a guy riding a bike, no matter how retarded he is. Can’t say the same for two ton death-machines, many of which are also being driven by idiots. So go biketards!
Salt isn’t used in the snow because there are environmental concerns.
“Install trap doors into those intersection bike boxes. Some of those ridiculously-clad belligerent PDX biketards really need to vanish from the friggin Earth. You know who they are.”
Wait, what? Am I accidentally reading Jack Bogdanski or Phil Sanford? People riding their bikes in the winter wear ridiculous clothing because it is friggin cold and friggin rainy and it gets friggin pitch black friggin early. And we are belligerent because of people who wish violence on us in addition to that already exacted on us by careless drivers.
The trap doors are for the biketards who don’t stop at intersections.
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