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Portland residents received a surprise delivery this morning from the Oregon State Department of Revenue that is causing a stir among local residents and privacy advocates nationwide. The package contained a new, mandatory electronic measuring device that pushes the envelope in innovative taxation approaches.
In a sweeping decision made during an emergency overnight double-overtime holiday session of the Oregon State legislature, Governor Ted Kulongoski has initiated the most aggressive, visionary plan for generating state revenue to date: a metered personal usage gas tax.
But not on cars.
The new device is known as a Metric Gas Strap (MG-Strap, or “G-Strap” colloquially) and is poised to revolutionize personal taxation not only in Oregon, but also across the nation. The G-Strap uses cutting edge GPS and “radio frequency microbead-ometer©” technology to measure methane emissions on a very, well, personal level. The device operates 24 hours a day, is one-size-fits-all, and crosses all genders and persuasions.
In consecutive rapid-fire 140-character Twitter statements this morning, an unnamed Kulongoski spokesperson tweeted,
“Our fight against global warming and the search for much-needed revenue has pointed out one thing: It really comes down to personal responsibility. The G-Strap is a think global, act local solution that as committed environmentalists and lifelong Oregonians we simply could not ignore. To the people of Oregon, our Governor says that if you really wanna’ stick it to the oil companies, well then let’s strap on this feedbag and as the kids say, git’ er’ done.”
Originally designed as a haute couture piece on season 4 of, “Project Runway: Lithuania,” the device (originally named the “Metric Buttload”) was successfully tested by officials in New Zealand to provide a tax basis for sheep farmers producing an inordinate amount of methane as a result of non-sustainable farming practices. This revised and renamed version has been retooled to accommodate uniquely American considerations.
“The most challenging piece of engineering was the gall-durn meter,” noted Chuck Baster, the lead engineer at Meth’n-Measure Industries, the Ellensburg, WA manufacturer of the device. “I mean, what do you do with the dang thing? Well, that and the buckle. But ya know, they say after you wear it for a while you don’t even notice you’ve got it on. And personally, off the record? I think it’s kinda’ well, sexy-lookin’.”
The so-called G-Strap is dishwasher-safe, completely hypoallergenic, and is made from environmentally responsible materials including reconstituted organic goat-chewed wheat grass, organic locally-grown hemp, mint floss, and refurbished iPod parts.
The use of hemp has already stirred controversy among conservatives. When questioned about the anonymously posted concern that PDX metro residents may try to tamper with the device trying to extract the hemp, the much-feared kissing cousin of marijuana, the Governor was reportedly optimistic.
“I have faith in the citizens of this great state to do the right thing. I have no doubt that our fine, law-abiding residents will understand that the G-Strap represents a tremendous step forward in the efforts to curb emissions in this state, and will provide a fair and equitable basis for paying for services and roads.” He continued, “And I am certain that use of the device will be embraced by all, from infant to one-foot-in-the-grave old folks, no offense.”
Privacy advocates immediately filed a class action lawsuit claiming that the requirement to wear the device is not only an attack on personal freedom, but is in extremely poor taste. “The constitution is clear on this. And we’re confident that the courts will agree,” stated George Pertner, a protester at an impromptu rally on the corner of 9th and Burnside.
Pertner and anonymous AARP representatives have issued a public statement claiming that the device unfairly targets one faction of the elderly — specifically uncles who may be more prone to use a combination of their flatulence and window-locking technology as a source of bonding with their younger nephews.
“It’s bullhockey!” was the title of the letter that was released.
Children’s advocates are also concerned, but declined to comment.
The standup comedy guild has also filed suit, claiming unfair taxation. In a letter acquired exclusively by OurPDX, Swank Swankler, the representative for the local Oregon chapter stated, “This is so like, unfair, man. I mean it’s like our livelihood — ya’ know? Do you tax hammers? Do you tax guns? Do you tax booze? Well I mean yeah but that’s totally different. We get no respect, I’m tellin’ ya. What’s next — a rubber chicken tax?”
All residents of the Portland metro area are required to install the device immediately upon receipt, or face fines, possible incarceration, and, “creative undisclosed punitive measures” that are protected under the Patriot Act. Projected revenues have not been released, but are expected to spike during the 2009 holiday seasons.
In a final Twitter statement, the Governor said, “We wanted to get them out as soon as possible — hopefully in time for New Years Eve 2008. You know, to kick off the New Year with a real bang. And so far we’ve been pleasantly surprised. 2009 is gonna’ be a real, well, you know.”
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Are parents liable for the emissions their children produce? Can I have my custody decree amended to split the projected taxes 50/50 if so?
I really don’t think I should pay more just because their father chooses to feed them beans on his weekends, do you?
Now hold on just a minute!! I recall reading a long time ago that the whole tradition of April Fools’ Day started when some bozo switched the calendar around so the year started on *January* 1st, not *April* 1st as the Creator intended! People who celebrated the New Year and gave presents on April 1st were fools, hence “April Fools’ Day!”
*Now* I find out that some fools just can’t wait! Instead of blogging nonsense about old farts getting fined on April 1st, you’ve gone ahead and done it on January 1st. At least, it’s January 1st *somewhere*. So … who’s the fool? Did they switch the holidays around *again*?
Anyhow … good riddance to 2008! Happy New Year to everyone! And may the farts be with you!
Honestly, I wouldn’t put this past our Oregon govt. They do some goofy stuff.
Really terrific post!
I’m totally screwed.
“…reconstituted organic goat-chewed wheat grass, organically locally-grown hemp, mint floss, and refurbished iPod parts.” LAUGH OUT LOUD! You’ve got the whole thing down. Perfect!
I am appalled at what this state government is doing to us. Putting some sort of meter on us to how much we drive. We in Eastern Oregon have to drive long distances to work, etc and if this happens, I’ll be darned if I will travel across this state to go to the ocean, or to visit and spend money in Portland, etc. You are just killing tourism.
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