I’m a bit honked off at my favorite radio station.
Since it came on the air in 1990, I have listened to KUFO 101.1. It’s hard-edged knucklehead rock with a tinge of juvenile humor. I’ve seen the DJs come and go, and am rarely happy when they go. (I’m still holding a grudge against Howard Stern for killing The Bill Prescott Show, for example.) I’ve listened long enough that I take it personally when I feel I’ve been wronged. Brace yourselves: Grown man whining ahead…
I *love* the Cort and Fatboy Show. Cort has been at the station since he interned during the Prescott years, evolving into a fine host in his own right. Sidekicks have come and gone, but the addition of Bob ‘Fatboy’ Roberts was genius. They have great rapport, the conversation flows with laughs aplenty. I preferred when they were on later at night, but am glad they survived the recent round of job cuts. Early afternoon is better than not at all, right? I consider it my favorite radio show.
I enjoy their call-in participation events and radio games. My favorite game is Stump the Movie Douche. Briefly, you pick two actors in a movie, if Fatboy can’t name the movie you win a prize. I’ve stumped him a couple times, and been slaughtered mercilessly other times. Last night, I stumped him.
And he hung up on me.
Fatboy has several rules, the one that grinds on him most is violating ‘the spirit of the game.’ Coming at him with Erica Hubbard & Leonardo Nam? You’d get a “Who the hell are they?” followed by severe mocking when you gave the answer. Confusing a black actor? HONK! Wrong! (Someone once mistook Robert Guiallaume for Sidney Poitier.) Don’t even think about using a Larry the Cable Guy movie.
He also hates vanity stumps, just beating him for the thrill of it. He will ask you outright if you want the prize if he’s unable to come up with the answer. Knowing all this, I try to save a couple of impossible-to-get submissions for when I really want the prize. (Last win? NIN tickets!) Last night’s booty? Tickets to an upcoming Trainblazer game with Cort and Fatboy themselves.
I wanted those tickets. BAD! I dialed, got through on the first try, and was thrilled when they picked up immediately. The conversation went something like this:
“Stump… the movie douche!”
“I have Laura Dern and Diane Lane.”
“Wild at Heart!” sang out Fatboy.
“Uh, no Fatboy, Diane Lane. L-A-N-E. Diane Ladd is Laura Dern’s mother. Diane Lane and Laura Dern were in-”
“Gotta GO!” They hung up on me.
It was like a knife plunged into my heart. They wouldn’t even give me time to explain about Ladies and Gentlemen: The Fabulous Stains, and how Diane Lane and Laura Dern were so young, and Laura Dern fought for emancipation to be in the film because MOM Diane Ladd thought she was too young to be doing that sort of thing. I was also going to point out the very young Ray Winstone as an angsty punk rocker/love interest of Diane Lane’s character.
The snappishness of Fatboy’s retort made me think of Ray Winstone’s line in The Departed. “Cranberry juice? What is it, your period?”
So, yeah, I was bummed about missing out on the Blazer tickets. (I have a friend who has taken me to a couple of games, and I wanted to repay the favor. Besides being hard to get, Blazer tix are expensive!) Mostly, I was crushed at being so casually dismissed.
I realize the point of the whole thing is to make entertaining radio, and I was trying to do my part. The fact that I got through in the first place to win a prize I absolutely wanted and righteously won was at once exhilarating and then deflating. I was edited out of the aired segment, like it never happened. I felt betrayed. Can I get a flock of wah-wahs here?
Fatboy, you make a big deal about people mixing up their black actors. Perhaps there should be a rule about mixing up hottie-white-girl-actresses as well?
Will I hold a grudge? Nah, I can’t seem to listen to any other station for more than an hour before the need for cookie-monster rock arises. Did I rebel? Absolutely. I boycotted the rest of the show, deciding to see what other options were out there. I ended up on 97.1 Charlie, where at least I get to hear my name on the radio. The music? Well… the first song was Kid Rock’s Cowboy. I heard Metallica’s Enter Sandman, along with Cheap Trick. A co-worker remarked that he never thought he’d see the day he’d find me jamming to The Bee Gees. (I had to tell the story of the time I went joy-riding while listening to the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever. Hmm… future Douche question forming…) I heard Supertramp’s Breakfast in America, which was in heavy rotation when I got my first apartment thirty years ago. I had to retreat when We Are Family came on.
So, KUFO? I’m mad at you, but I’ll get over it. (I’m pouring a glass of cranberry juice as I write this.) It’s funny how personally I’m taking this, but radio is like that. It starts to feel like they’re talking to you, and that they are your friend. I’ve talked to Cort and Fatboy several times, on-air and off, and they are always nice. Sorry I pissed you off, Fatboy, but the idea of the game *is* to stump you.
Want to make it better? I’ve given up on the thought of actually going to the ballgame with you guys, much as I’d like to. But what you could do? Quit playing that GODDAMNED OFFSPRING SONG every hour! I heard it six times the other day. You would not believe how quickly I can find the off-switch on the radio.
Otherwise, we cool…
Update: Fatboy has since e-mailed me, and all is well in radio nirvana. I do, however, reserve the right to eviscerate him with a future stump. I’m saving it for the next time Tool goes on tour…
Update II: Redemption! Just got another e-mail from Fatboy. I’ve been granted tickets, and will get to go to the game. They are gentlemen and scholars! (I should quit calling them names, huh?)
Thank you for reaffirming my allegiance to KUFO.
{ 5 comments }
He-larious. You were ROBBED! Robbed, I say!!
I drink your apparent lack of knowledge of how radio works. I drink it up!
I drink the line…jumping the shark since day 1.
Hey you were great on the office last night! I liked how you kept saying screw you to dwight.
I love Fatboy…. was very happy to see he emailed… twice. He’s a gentleman if not a scholar (he might be a scholar but i don’t know him well enough to check)
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