From the outer reaches of space…MICROBIAL HORRORS!
SEE…
Man vs. Nature in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!
SEE…
Earth under siege by BACTERIA FROM BEYOND!
SEE…
Terror inflicted upon UNSUSPECTING PORTLANDERS!
I’m serious folks! Run for the hills! Or better yet, take yourself and your loved ones to your nearest hermetically sealed blast shelter! Because the horrors are upon us, my friends. All you have to do is peer outside at any dark-colored surface. There, on that black car. Do you see it? Do you see them, slowly creeping and crawling their way, right to your nasal passages? That yellow haze of bacterial insanity?
What is it you ask? Why, didn’t you know? It’s the first wave of the invasion of ALIEN POLLEN FROM MARS!!!
How did we come to this frightful situation? Well let me tell you a little story.
(Because, of course, like any good horror flick, there’s always plenty of time to tell the backstory. Right? The monsters/martians/blob will wait.)
A few weeks ago, all the lovely Portland trees and flowers and bushes decided amongst themselves that it was time to get their groove thang on. So they started churning out all the nifty funky little bits and pieces of plant matter that comprise most plants’ sexual reproduction system. Some of those little bits and pieces turn into what we call pollen. Pollen is actually the transport system for veggie sperm. Really, I’m not making this up! Think of it like gazillions of little flashy yellow sports cars trolling around for babes.
Except these little pollen dudes are ALIENS. How else can you explain the fact that I’m so miserably sick? I’ve lived in Portland for 18 years and NEVER ONCE have I suffered from “seasonal allergies”. Clearly, these are little alien pollen spores from Mars, or the Moon, or the outer reaches of outer space, or perhaps even straight from the fiery depths of hell.
Impossible you say? Well, consider this little tidbit of information: A few weeks ago, scientists were able to track an asteroid crashing to earth and retrieve bits of it. Kind of confirms my suspicions, wouldn’t you say?
I thought you would.
So keep your eyes peeled, Portland.
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My kid is now on 5 different allergy remedies. FIVE! There’s the year-round Flonase. The seasonal Singulair (prescription) that we start in March. The OMG, it’s REALLY BAD OUT THERE Claritin that we layer on in April.
The other two? Mom’s guilt about giving the kid evil western medicine only comes to the fore – hence the newly added homeopathic pills to boost her immunity, along with the tincture of nettles/eyebright to do the same.
And with all of that? The kid still has those telltale allergy dark circles that make her look as if someone’s punched her. In both eyes.
Lovely.
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