Dear PDX Advice Guy – Deviant Advice Friday Edition

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Dear PDX Advice Guy

I really hate the Pearl, but my fiance wants me to move there with him. I really really really don’t want to go, but he really really wants to. What should I do here?

- DF, NOT PEARL!

It’s easy DF… you said:

“I really really really don’t want to go”

You said:

“he really really wants to”

So since you used three reallys versus his two, you win! What? It doesn’t work like that? Well, true. Ok, so here we go.

I hate the Pearl too. Well, I don’t hate VISITING the Pearl. It’s a great place to walk around and take in some fantastic sights like the following:

Rich yuppies driving BMWs to go 4 blocks over

Not-so-rich yuppies driving Subarus 3 blocks over

Hipsters on fixies who somehow missed Hawthorne

Hot chicks wearing super-fashionable stuff that cares to straddle the line between “classy” and “whoreish”

Wait.. that last one isn’t so bad. But then, I’m a jerk sometimes (most of the time?).

So yes, the Pearl does have quite a bit of suckage present based on the exceptional amount of hip-and-trendy in the area. However, the Pearl also has good things going for it. I mean, I did mention the girls right? Granted DF, I don’t really know if you’re a raging bisexual, but hey… it’s worth a shot (did I mention my being a jerk yet?). So what else makes it worthwhile?

Well, there’s some damn fine food there. There’s PeemKeaw and it TOTALLY rocks my deviant tastebuds. And what’s a deviant advice columnist without a deviant treat? Useless, that’s what. So when I want to get my snack on (and punish my kidneys) I head on over to Cupcake Jones. In fact, I think Jones needs a Deviant Advice cuppy cake. Frankly, I deserve it. Especially cause my wife makes cupcakes and would murder me for saying this. Of course, I like to keep it spicy so I also occasionally stop by Cha Cha Cha. So yes, the Pearl does have a few things going for it.

So DF, my advice to you? Suck it up and move. He gets to stare at lots of eye candy (and trust me, there’s a male version too) and you get some of the best damn grub in Portland. Sure, you’ll be paying way too much for a cute little apartment that some developer paid next to nothing for. You’ll hate the fact that the human traffic down there (traffiC, not trafficK as there IS a difference) makes attempting to drive impossible. You’ll also hate the fact that EVERYONE will go on about their crappy tiny apartment. But hey… it’s The Pearl.

I mentioned the girls, right?