Dear PDX Advice Guy
So Mother’s Day is coming up and I don’t know what to get Mom. HELP!!!!!!
-FJ, Gladstone
Oh man, FJ, you have lousy luck. This is Deviant Advice Friday and you’ve got a Mommy’s Day question? This is So not going to work out well for you. I could actually go so far as to tell you that this advice column will probably result in your Mother deciding that giving birth to you was a horrible mistake because you can’t take 5 minutes out of your “busy” life to get her something special on one of the two days of the year where she needs to be thought of first (yes genius, the other is her birthday.. you DO remember that, right?).
No, I’m kidding. I’ll get you sorted and even make it a tiny bit deviant because, well, that’s what I do. Let’s do this…
First off, your mom is tired of stupid flowers and oversize cards with some crayon drawing of some bear going “I Wuv You Diiiiiis Much.” If you buy Mom something like that and you’re over the age of 2, then shoot yourself. Unless you have a kid and you’re buying that card for your kid to give to Mom.. then, by all means, go nuts with it. So what to give her instead? Easy: Get her freaking DRUNK!
Face it kiddo, you’re in Portland and we’re pretty much headed for a Beer City USA declaration anyways, so why not take advantage of it? Check out this list of craft breweries from the awesome folks over at Travel Portland (in fact, why not follow them on Twitter as well?). This will give you a good idea of where to check for specialty brews for Mom.
So now you’ve managed to make Mom a heartfelt six-pack. Mom can’t dine on just beer alone, she needs something hearty to go with that. I have one word for you my friend: Bacn. No, not “bacon,” but Bacn. Why not give the gift that keeps on giving all year long? That’s right, hook Mom up with a membership to the Bac’n of the Month Club. Not only do you get the satisfaction of helping a local business out, but you also know that your gift will help Mom jam her arteries full of delicious pork goodness and, in that scenario, everyone wins.
Of course, Mom will likely need to burn off some of that energy. You’ve got two choices. Oh sure, you COULD go the “safe route” and get Mom a membership over at The Green Microgym and revel in the fact that when Mom works out, she’s helping the environment out. Seriously, how cool is that? You’re right, it’s the easy way out. You’re wanting something deviant. Nothing quite SHRIEKS “Honor Mom” and “Class” like pole-dancing. PDX is just bursting with pole dance facilities, but PDX Advice Guy recommends two: Ecdysiast and Diva Den Studio. Honestly, why shouldn’t Dad enjoy Mother’s day a bit as well? After all, Mom didn’t exactly do this alone you know?
So Mom is now drunk, packed with bacn, and worn out from pole-dancing (or making electricity, cause your Mom’s cool like that). What’s left? Damn right, dessert! And there isn’t much better than making a special dessert for Mom over at Pix (yes, I’ve mentioned them before.. but I seriously LOVE this place). Join one of the best damn dessert joints in town on Mother’s day (northside only, 3901 N Williams AVE) from 11am to 3pm. Set mom up with a mimosa on the patio and let her watch her little darling make her a dessert with expert assistance from the decadently devious chefs. The best part? This little indulgence runs a paltry 12 bucks. Seriously. That oversized card? That thing’s like six bucks, so this deal is a DEAL.
And there you have it FJ. A guaran-damn-teed foolproof Mother’s Day to confirm to Mom that spending 36 hours of hellacious labor to birth you is still worth it.
Of course, OurPDX is nothing without i’s readers. So, to you all, I want to wish all Moms, Moms-to-Be, Grammas, and all things in between a heartfelt “Happy Mothers Day” and to remind everyone that Mom’s day is really EVERY day cause Mom’s good like that, yo.
Finally, dear readers, it’s your turn. Let’s hear YOUR suggestions for a Memorable Mother’s Day. Maybe you can think of something more deviant? Perhaps you like tradition? Leave some comments down there and let’s get some ideas out there. And if you’ve got yourself a situation in need of some meditation, then why not email me (or follow me up on the ole Twitter) and let’s see what I can do for YOU.
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