Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition!

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Hey folks.

So yes… been gone a spell. Honestly, I’d LOVE to do as kick-ass a post as MediaChick did, but I can’t be as cool as she is.

The truth is, I had to take some personal time. I’ve had some issues that needed dealing with. As a result, I had to take some time off of my writing and focus. I still have work to do, but I feel like I’m far enough along to where I can come back to y’all and let the advice flow. And flow it shall. During my hiatus, I took time to think about what got me into writing (and, of course, OurPDX) in the first place. So I wandered about online and looked back at the various writing projects I had out there. I thought about what made me happiest and what pushed me to work on my writing. I then realized that the answer was right in front of me the whole time…

My friends, I’ve got to be Deviant.

So let’s let me crack open a Drop Top Ale and rifle through the mailbag and let’s see if I can point some wayward soul in the right direction…

Dear PDX Advice Guy.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. The world just seems crazy. Scandals everywhere, insane world events, dumb politics. What’s a dude in Portland to do so he can forget about the insanity?

- KH, Hillsboro

KH, let’s just get right down to it. Life sucks. On occasion, it even blows. Not in the good way either, it just really really blows. It makes you want to just give up and descend into an endless hell of “Scrubs” reruns and wondering why the hell Ryan fucking Reynolds keeps making movie after movie while you toil in obscurity. So sit back, relax, and let’s make it better.

Step 1. Go get drunk. And I don’t mean just drink, I mean blind, stinking, “good god, did I almost get arrested at a petting zoo last night?” drunk. Thankfully, Portland’s a town chock full o’ great microbrews and microbreweries. Even luckier, you’ve got The Green Dragon. Even more luckierer, you can swing by Friday to enjoy the OurPDX Anniversary Party. At least, the first part of it. The second part will, of course, be an authors-only event at Strange Love Live. I have a doctor appointment at 3, but will certainly be busting my ass to get out to the Green Dragon in order to Beer and Blog it up! Then I’ll be heading over to the SLL studios to be a part of the studio audience, unless I get absolutely HAMMERED enough to get on camera.

Please note, by “hammered” I mean “diabetic hammered,” which involves me drinking at least two 20 ounce Dr Peppers. My god, I’m an animal.

So after you’ve managed to get more drunk that Dick Cheney during quail season, you’ve got to find a way to really unwind. Now, you all probably think I’m going to tell you to go out to a strip club, but I’ve already covered that. Nope, you need to take it up another notch. First off, why not go visit OurPDX’ good friend WizardBoots‘ illustrious job at the porn shop. Pick yourself up a couple of great flicks and settle in for a night of disgusting fun. Of course, man does not live by porn alone. You need food. Why not hit Whiffie’s Pies afterwards and help refuel for the night of rest you’ll need after drinking and porning your way through life’s little rough patch.

That’s it for now people. I’d write more, but I’ve got to grab some shut eye and get my beauty sleep so I’m all pretty for the crowd Friday night and the audience Friday nighter. And if you didn’t pick up on the subtletly earlier, why not join us at the OurPDX Anniversary party! Come on out and meet some of the illustrious folks who make this site such a great destination on the ole internets.

And yeah, I’ll be there too. Feel free to come tell me my advice sucks right to my face. If I’m diabetdrunk enough, I might just hug you and tell you I love you.

In the meantime, why not give me a follow on the ole Twitters? And maybe you’ve got yourself a situation that needs some advice? Why not drop me an email and let’s see what I can do for you.

Y’all be good now!