The answer? I found them all at the Mission Theatre tonight.
See, there’s this wonderful storytelling event called Back Fence PDX. I’ve been wanting to go for several months, but “something always came up.” However, the things that turned up turned out to be very, very bad things. Bad things like having my wheel come off my car while driving. Bad things like stubbing my toe. Badly! Bad things like walking into a plate glass window while trying to avoid an escaped alligator from the zoo who’s chasing you because you tripped over a bucket of fish heads, which you didn’t see because you were waving goodbye to a girl who you totally have the hots for and she sees you trip over the fish heads and laughs at you. And her friends laugh too. That totally happened, too.
Yeah, that bad. So it finally dawned on me that the reason I’ve been having such bad luck on certain Wednesdays once a month, is because I was NOT going to Back Fence. Not going to Back Fence is BAD LUCK.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Don’t come crying to me next time Back Fence is on and you don’t go and all sorts of bad things happen to you because of it. And not only will bad things happen, but you’ll miss all the goodness of Back Fence too! Good things like hot boys and girls dancing in scanty swimsuits from Popina Swimwear. Good things like belly dancers. Belly dancers! And of course, good things like local storytellers telling amazing and true stories. Here are a couple juicy excerpts from tonight’s selection of Caught Red Handed stories:
“I thought the world was star-shaped. Fuck Christopher Columbus!”
-Pema Teeter, on getting caught dallying with a boy
“Remember when people in authority had mustaches?”
-Jeff Hardison, on getting caught doing very bad things with dynamite
(Edit: Actually, Jeff Hardison on his friends doing very bad things with dynamite. Jeff had the sense to walk away. Such a smart guy!)
“My sister was there and she was like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.”
-Jami Curl, on getting caught avoiding her mother in her last days
“Michael you better watch out. There’s a gang of dykes after you.”
-Nicole J. Georges, on getting caught in a truly harmless little omission, really
“At the time it seemed like sort of an endearing prank.”
-Eric Schniewind, on not getting caught until 30 years later
“Poor vibrator is working its ass off in vain.”
-Viva Las Vegas, on catching her boyfriend and vibrator in a compromising position
“South Africans don’t drown. And if they do, we pretend they don’t.”
-Rael Dornfest, an amazing story of leaving behind apartheid in South Africa, and calling himself African American in Mississippi.
Some of the stories were funny. Some were strange. Some were serious. But every last one was full of fabulousness. And good luck. Lots and lots of good luck. The lovely ladies who bring us this event will be enjoying a summer respite from Back Fencing, but I urge you – for your own sake – don’t let another installment go by without attending. Or else, watch out for escaped alligators and buckets of fish heads.
(Full disclosure: I did get a free pass this time. But after all that bad luck, I think Melissa Lion and Frayn Masters, the lovely Back Fence Hostesses, just felt bad for me. Wouldn’t you?)
{ 3 comments }
Great write-up. Thanks for coming. My mother made me comment here that I didn’t do anything with dynamite; my schoolmates did. I had the sense to walk away. Does that work, Mom?
You are too sweet. Thank you!
Jeff – Uh huh. History is written by the victors.
Melissa – Of course! I had a great time. What a fabulous event! I’ll be sure to attend more. Frankly, I’m afraid not to.
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