ANNOUNCEMENT: NEW DESIGN CONTEST FOR PDX CREATIVES

(also known informally as the “Ass Redesign ‘09″ Contest)

This, is my butt.

As you can plainly see, it needs work. I mean, just look at it…the design is dated and flabby, the navigation is unclear, and the usability apparently sucks, or so I’ve been told. You don’t EVEN want to know what’s under the hood.

So why should you care, dear citizen of this great creative town? Let me cut to the chase:

I am formally announcing a design contest I’m sponsoring, for: My Ass. Grand Prize? Exposure. Yeah no, that’s it. What?

Excited, creative community? I know you are, as am I.

I would like a local “ass” designer to refine the jiggly, buttery bits you see before you into two fine, smooth, delectable hams. I want world-class ass refashioning, ass-factoring if you will, in the hands of an artist of the new Creative Class – but not for money – nay – it’s for, you know, art’s sake. I need a lift, nip, tuck, stuff, suck, band, moosh…Whatever it is that you professional and hobbyist buttshapers, silver surgeons and ass suckers can do for this situation – that is what I want.

But here’s the thing: times are tough for the likes of a creative-friendly person such as myself. I would love to have a completely redefined, resculpted, warm-to-the-touch, shapely, hopefully “spoonable”, and definitely unimpregnable brand spankin’ new intercontinental junk trunk installed smack dab between my Alaskan Tundra and my South American tip, ASAP. But times being what they are, and especially in light of current crowd sourcing trends, I have a brilliant idea: I would like this skilled service, this ass craft, this peASS de Resistance, designed for – you guessed it:

Damn free.

If pressed, I will tell you that this is not about my finances, my lack of budgeting foresight, or my personal or political indiscretions (Lord knows I’ve had my hands in places they ought not a time or two), but it is more about “fun!” and a great way to “rally the community!” I want to give the entire ass design community, from hobbyist ass designer to world-class assformation architects (their jargon) a shot at molding the vision of my ever growing central America into something that is more than just a means of communication; I want my ass to be a living wonder upon which other creative-friendly cities full of metrosexual ass admirers gaze in awe. In a word: I want my ass to GROOVE, Y’ALL.

But why NO MONEY, when I would gladly pay so many other services for their skills?

Honestly? After a coupla’ drinks I’ll tell you I think ass design work as a trade is mostly crap. So to speak. I mean half the kids in my high school pottery class made ASStrays (*snort*), and they work just fine do they not?

In that spirit, I am formally announcing the contest to redesign my ass. Spread the word. Here are the spicy details (after the jump):

THE CONTEST: ASS REDESIGN in ‘09!

I want you, creative ass man or ass woman, to give this your best shot. ASSpire to greatness. ASScend to new heights. In short, make me an ass as pure and silky smooth as a baby’s…well, you know.

THE PRIZE:

No money – just PRIME, PRIME, RAW exposure. How valuable is that? Oh it’s valuable alright. I mean, given some Bourbon and a sophomoric game of Truth or Dare Karaoke a lot of people see my ass around town already; imagine how many more will see it after it’s been in your Picasso-like grip. ALSO –

BONUS – OH SNAP! As part of the compensation “package” I will also tattoo your name (in small, flesh-toned print) on my new ass. HOWEVER, you must return the favor. For everyone in your firm who references the Ass Redesign ‘09 prize, each person must give credit to me as having “commissioned” the work – because I don’t want people to think I’m a cheap ass.

In other words, if you want to redesign my ass, your ass will also be mine.

Oh, and I may, at my discretion, decide to pay the people who do the actual deployment work – the ass developers. But ass designers? Yeah right. Like your parents said – if you wanted to make money, you should have gotten a real degree.

ENTRANT QUALIFICATIONS/RULES:

You must be all of the following:
- Local, and preferably good looking. Because I like that in an ass designer.
- Creative with ass work. Duh.
- Good with your hands. No coat hanger botch jobs.
- Hungry for exposure, and preferably out of work in a creative field. I’m doing this for YOU, after all.
- Have at least some teeth, and an offline portfolio of ass-work.
- Not be in jail or prison of any kind.

JUDGING:

- The Judges in my Ass Redesign ‘09 contest are all highly paid of course, with real money because they do “real” work. It’s the designers getting the, ahem, shaft.
- Judges are chosen not by their ability to kiss my ass, but the ability to kiss their own.

DESIGN REQUIREMENTS AND HINTS:

- The new ass should be wash and wear, fully adjustable, and require minimal lubri-nevermind.
- All measurements must be in meters, so that when I say the phrase “metric buttload” I can then say, “No, really – here let me show you.”
- Be creative! Use a pony, I don’t care. Whatever you “creative-ass artsy types” do to get your, eh, ass in gear, well do that. Whatever you need. But remember, slacker, it’s on your own dime.
- Personal rule: Former Bank executives who enter will be charged fees up the ass, since we’ve all been taking it in the, well, you know, from those guys, for years.
- Unicorns are specifically excluded from the Ass Redesign ‘09 contest, for obvious taste reasons. [UPDATE: Due to intense public outcry from the high end design community, Unicorns and hand puppets are now encouraged.]
- I would like my ass to be green. Bonus points if you can get my ass LEED Platinum certification.
- My ass shall not contribute to the “Keep Portland Weird” movement. No pun intended.
- The new ass must fit in a slide.
- The new ass must have appropriate ventilation for greenhouse gases.
- The new ass must pass an emissions test, though a VIN is optional.
- The new ass must be funky fresh.

In parting, esteemed designers, I have one last piece of sage advice for those considering entering my generous Ass. Eh, Contest. If nothing else, remember this: My Ass is wise. Like Yoda with a potty mouth. Design accordingly. And remember, this is for posterity.

Related Posts

• July 31, 2009 -- If This is Church’s, Call Me Atheist (4)

Tagged as: ass, design, humor, satire