With the signature campaign to recall Portland Mayor Sam Adams failing to meet the basic requirements, Portland residents in favor of the recall are not giving up. In a surprising turn, “Recallers” are now focusing their efforts on a different issue: The lingering question of the Mayor’s citizenship.
The “Pretty sure he wasn’t born here” effort, alternately known as the “Recall Mayor Sam Adams on account of he’s prolly Cuban” movement, is officially launching in tandem with the release of Sarah Palin’s new book, currently retitled apparently at her request as Going Roquefort: But not in a Socialist Way There.
Image on shirt of recall supporter
An unidentified supporter wearing a shirt with the slogan, “Is it Adams or Aguilera,” commented, “Have we ever seen his birth certificate? No, not that phony sham one that was issued by the state of Montana. No, the REAL one – the one he’s hiding…”
Marian Cruller, who identifies herself as a food blogger turned “social media linguistics expert” offered her professional opinion.
“If you listen closely to the curl of his tongue, it reveals some surprising hints of Neo-Latino cuisine-er, I mean inflection,” stated Cruller.
The sponsor of the study, a prominent downtown business owner who asked to remain unidentified asked, “Have you listened to him speak? Do you have ears? Let’s get real, people. I think the evidence is pretty clear. I mean, have you heard how he says his S’s? Oh and by the way, when you order food at Oba (get a clue, America), real Americans do NOT roll their R’s when ordering rice, Mr. Mayor. Or should I say… Generalissimo?”
Questioning the Mayor’s citizenship was apparently not the only option considered by the grassroots movement. In a memo obtained exclusively by OurPDX, a list of alternate ideas included [bracketed text represents notes on the accompanying wet-nap we also obtained]:
- Wants to change paneling at City Hall [waste of taxpayer dollars, ride success of death panel campaign - need metrics]
- Secretly manipulates weather to influence signature gathering [coincidence that we had such unseasonably warm temperatures in September???]
- Opposed to gluten, and or gluten-free [could go either way on this]
- Likes horses [no-brainer]
- Forces staffers to call him Mr. Burns [must confirm with spy, must also get spy]
- Secretly likes Hood River better than Portland [city of Hood River is on his "Friendster" list]
- Likes nature, and yet he doesn’t [easy to prove, hard to disprove]
- Has worked multiple jobs in the past [stealing jobs from hardworking Americans - seems thin]
- Swam in dolphin tank at Newport after hours while sipping private label champagne [see photos, must obtain audio of maniacal laughter]
- Wants to rename all streets in NW to “Adams – no not that Adams” 1, 2, et al with a statue of Napoleon on Adams-12 [little proof/must investigate further]
- Eats at Chipotle [obvious easy win]
- Has no navel [he has never let us see it]
Mayor Adams has primarily ignored the allegations. His office has not returned our phone calls.
(Yeah, we probably wouldn’t return our phone calls either – Ed.)
{ 3 comments }
As a concerned citizen of Portland, this greatly concerns me!
I feel like I’ve stumbled upon The Onion, except at least then I would know it was satire. How much of this is actually real, and how much of it is made up? I’m assuming no one actually said those quotes.
Andy – any resemblance to the truth is almost surely a coincidence.
Comments on this entry are closed.