(T)he(y) had a lot to say;
(T)he(y) had a lot of nothing to say,
We’ll miss them.
We’re gonna miss them…
As fans of Portland’s rowdiest rock station know, major shakeups have been happening. KUFO has gutted its on-air staff and brought in “talent” from around the country. I checked it out yesterday, and I’ll get to that in a minute, but first I want to reminisce about the last eighteen years or so. I was listening when the “mothership” docked the first time, and believe the first song played was Ozzy’s Flying High Again. (Maybe not, those were the drinking years…) I know KUFO played You Can’t Kill Rock & Roll to welcome in the new millennium; a moment that gave me the misties. I stood downtown, listening on a Walkman, waiting for the world to end.
I was a big fan of the Bill Prescott Show. He brought in Tawn Mastery, famous LA DJ and sweet-voiced sidekick. They also had a studio minion named Cort Webber from MOE-lolla. He claimed to be a celibate young man; said he’d never even masturbated. Maybe that’s why he was so no-nonsense when dealing with the 7 AM beer crowd. You could talk to Bill, but you had to get past Cort, who was a formidable call-screener.
Cort added to the show, in ways other than making me feel sorry for his asexual ass. He made a Pop-Up-Video audio parody of Marilyn Manson’s Beautiful People, which I remember as one of the funniest things I’d ever heard. (Disclosure: I would be listening on the sunrise side of a night of drinking, so everything on the Prescott Show was funny. Yup.) When Cort finally admitted that he wasn’t a frustrated pent-up virgin, a collective “Phew!” could be heard throughout the Portland area. I wonder how many times he lost his virginity that year?
Until last Friday, Cort had been working at KUFO as a producer, and for the last several years as a night and afternoon-drivetime personality. He’s had a motley assortment of sidekicks on-air. He produced Craig the Dog-Faced Boy and Porkchop’s afternoon show, then got a night-gig with a local youngster, Boomer. I met them at a KoRn concert simulcast, which was a hoot. Fifteen-year-old skater punks and their MILFy moms. I became a KoRn fan that day.
Boomer drifted off the radar, and Cort needed a new sidekick. A contest was held, and this fellow named Bobby ‘Fatboy’ Roberts was in the mix. He’d been part of the show somehow, and KUFO, back when they had some wisdom, gave him the slot with Cort. And so the transformation began. It was a match made somewhere holy.
The running joke was that KUFO listeners were mullet-wearing El Camino-driving tweaker types with Fu Manchu mustaches who smoke menthol 100s. Girls were sloppy drunks with whale-tails and ass-antlers. To admit you listened to (and enjoyed) KUFO was akin to calling yourself an inbred yokel. Cue the hipster eyeroll.
Fatboy whipped out his bag of tricks, and things began changing. The intellect of the callers (on-air anyway) rose dramatically. Instead of poop and titty jokes, the conversation focused on pop culture, beer, world news, (guns, drugs, violence…) Man, I miss Dirty Laundry.
And the games! While not exactly a game, Thunderdome was a favorite part of my week. Cort and Fatboy pick songs not in heavy rotation, and the listener chooses the winner, usually with a smartass comment. Since I don’t have enough outlets for my smartass comments (ahem) I had to play along every week. My personal favorite? One time Cort played Spinal Tap’s Big Bottom. I called, and in my best Michael Clarke Duncan impersonation, said “MOE-lolla wants to tap that ass!” That earned a “YIKES!” from Fatboy.
Of course, the highlight of the week was Stump The Movie Douche. Being a film fan, this was right up my alley, and co-workers loved playing along. The first time I got him, I used Robin Williams and Florence Henderson, which earned me Nine Inch Nails tickets. There was another well-documented incident involved Laura Dern and Diane LANE. You can read about that here.
I still have my ace-in-the-hole Douche-Stumper, in case they ever have Tool tickets up for grabs again. It’s borderline cheesedick, (listeners know the term) but if it gets me into Tool…
Cort and Fatboy have resurrected the Midnight Movie. I used to go every weekend back in the late ’70’s-early ’80s. To have a modern day version, in a theater that sells BEER? When I was a young’un we had to sneak our own beer in! There was no kind host to feed us tater tots while we waited in line. You little bastards should be so lucky! And you can be: There’s another one coming up Friday November 6, at the Bagdad Theater. It’s Raising Arizona, and I plan on showing up for old time’s sake. I’ve put off going before. “Oh, there’ll be another one next month.” Maybe. Maybe not. Radio is a fickle bitch.
A Tweet-up of One
I caught a glimpse of their appearance at Live on The Square, through the window. (That’s my shadow above Fatboy’s left shoulder, if you saw it on TV.) I’d hoped it wouldn’t be the last time I saw them. What if a ‘real’ city heard their stuff and took them away? I’m hoping they land on a local show with tolerable music. If they go country, I *will* be investing in podcast gear.
And now to the fun part of the show: evaluating the New KUFO. It was probably smart of Alpha Broadcasting to let the smoke clear before bringing on the new crew. Despite the emotional attachments to the on-air personalities, I listen to the station for the music. The early part of the week was tough on me. I like, no need the pulse-pounding neck-hair-raising caterwaul of cookie-monster rock to get through my day. I love shouting down crackheads to the melodic strains of Slipknot, and practically dance a jig when I hear Disturbed’s Down With The Sickness. Dropkick Murphys at noon? Dude, that’s better than a breakfast beer. And there’s no other channel in Portland, except maybe KBOO, where I’ll hear Tool or the Butthole Surfers. Mellow music has its place in my life, but I need slaughterhouse rock when I’m at work.
So how are the new guys doing? I’d say “Meh” but the phrase is already taken. My first moments on the new KUFO went like this: Linkin Park song fades out, new DJ asks a woman caller, “What up, Snapper?”
Nice to see you brought your manners.
She hung up on him when he asked her how big her “fat-bags” were. Then five minutes of commercials, two songs, and five more minutes of commercials.
The fellow that replaced Cort and Fatboy? He supposedly hates blacks and gays, referring to things he doesn’t like as gay. His on-air voice sounds like a cross between a constipated Craig the Dog-Faced Boy and Fiddy Cent on Quaaludes. I didn’t catch any funny, just misogyny and rudeness. I can tune him out easily, though. If he talks too long, KINK is right next door. Alpha won’t let its DJs talk for too long anyway, I’m guessing. Got to get those ads on!
If there’s a pleasant surprise to this, it’s the return of Marconi. Yes, you read that right. While I’ve met Marconi, and he seems like a nice man, I never listened to his show much. His KNRK days were mash-up/remix heavy, with too much white noise for me to tolerate for any length of time. At KUFO his show reminded me of being next to loud people in a quiet bar. Great if you’re drunk, but I wasn’t. I tended to surf during his shows, especially when he’d rerun the first two hours to make the second two hours of his show. While I liked Cort and Fatboy at night when my brain is firing, their replacing him for drive-time wasn’t the end of the world.
And now he’s the epitome of good taste, compared to the new crew. I hope he continues to just be himself, and not try to outshock the new guys. Will I continue to listen to KUFO? Yeah, even thought I heard the Foo Fighters and Linkin Park ten times each during my workday yesterday. I hope they get back to playing Tool. Pantera has gone missing. Guys? They play Linkin Park everywhere, and hearing the “Cocaine/Champagne” song four times in an afternoon is too much. I noticed they play a few artists on a two-hour rotation. More choice Ozzy cuts, guys? Even KGON plays Crazy Train. A nod to Motorhead would be nice.
And if you’re gonna bust out the Culture Club to be funny, play the whole goddamn song. No one is gonna be pissed off (or amused) by a sound byte. Yes, I really want to hurt you.
I miss Cort and Fatboy already. I get teased for my terrestrial radio-loving ways, but I’m old, and habits die hard. I get a thrill when my wisecracks come back to me through the little magic box. I like listening to my imaginary buddies who keep my brain busy as I bang through the monotony of the work day.
KUFO, you talk about having balls. Perhaps my favorite moment ever on KUFO? Cort and Fatboy were playing My Rock, and accidentally (?) played the uncut version of Marilyn Manson’s Cake and Sodomy. It was about 11:30 at night, and my fellow redheaded co-worker turned that sucker up and sang along like a crazed banshee.
“White trash get down on your knees… Time for cake and sodomy…”
Got balls, KUFO? Put your racist money where your mouth is and play that song on drivetime.
(Don’t forget the midnight movie, kids.)
{ 9 comments }
Great commentary! I remember how awesome the Prescott show was, even the awkward proposal shortly before it was taken off the air (I’ve always wondered if that had anything to do with it).
KUFO got me through high school, college, and the years after. I never really payed attention to the DJs, however, until recent history. The Cort and Fatboy Show really made me think that it was possible to be intelligent on the radio, and that it wasn’t absolutely necessary to fill the hours with dick jokes and prank calls. This change of format has been an enormous disappointment to me personally. It feels like regression.
I’ve got more to say, but whatever. Thinking about it is making me cranky. Bottom line, thank you for writing this. You’re awesome, Charlie.
I think I’m going to have to actually stop putting going off to a midnight movie now…
I think what you wrote in the linked article is right, you take this way too personally.
Don’t worry though, according to your history with this radio station you’ll be back to your old histrionics sooner rather than later.
Why in the name of all that is holy would KUFO bring back Marconi? The guy is despised here in Portland!
KUFO was never my cup of tea, but Cort and Fatboy are a huge lose to the local community. They were always an entertaining “flip-through” station for me, and I too loved “stump the movie-douche”. And as an ardent BSG fan (so say we all), they’re hosting live screenings of the final season at the Baghdad CHANGED MY LIFE (well maybe not that extreme). It’s a shame to lose these guys, but if you want real local music coverage check here.
I’ve been known to listen to KUFO in the past, but frankly I never liked Cort and Fatboy. And Marconi? The guy should be drawn and quartered and run out of town, never to return. Oh wait, I think he already was. What the hell is he doing coming back?
I’m curious whether Charlie will continue to listen to Cort and Fatboy on their podcast or continue to listen to KUFO and call in so he can hear himself speak. I’d put my money on the latter.
Fuck Marconi…
On their morning show of May 12, 2004, DJs Marconi and Andy “Tiny” Aasen played audio recordings of Nick Berg’s violent death on the air, while laughing and joking about it. Hundreds of phone calls and e-mails flooded into the station, angry about the segment. At the end of the program, both DJs and several members of their staff were fired and apologized for the incident on the air. Marconi Show producer Nic Miles, who was also fired, later told a local news station that he had attempted to prevent broadcast of the bit but was ignored by Marconi. Miles also claimed that the eight second audio delay was broken that morning, and that he did not have access or the technical knowhow to take the station off the air. [1] Marconi returned to Portland radio on hard rock station 101.1 KUFO in 2005. He was laid off from KUFO in December of 2008. Marconi was brought back onto KUFO for the 7PM-Midnight slot on August 28th 2009.
Following the incident, KNRK pulled all of its on-air personalities and played non-stop music and commercials, in addition to Loveline in the evenings. Brief messages by station program director Mark Hamilton were played explaining the changes as wanting to reshape the station into what listeners wanted to hear. Listeners were directed to submit an online survey or to call the station with their suggestions.
Soon after KNRK rebranded itself as 947 FM. Some of their well known personalities who were let go prior to the Marconi incident such as Gustav and others who fitted well into the station were brought back. KNRK placed a higher emphases on music with less bantering and more musically oriented conversations from their air staff.
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