I don’t know about you, but I loves me some sleep. I really, really love it. Yeah, I’ll say it: I love sleep in…that way. Sleep? I’m so into it, dude.
In fact, if I could spend my days dozing off to the dulcet sounds of rain bouncing between the lonely wisps of hair on the balding head of my worst enemy (you know who you are, Skipper), followed by a nicely warmed meat sandwich (perhaps a Reuben from Kenny and Zukes, or, oh, anything from Meat Cheese Bread), followed by more drool-inducing anti-insomnia action, only to wake up leisurely for a smattering of #afterhours, maybe the occasional StrangeLoveLive episode, a snack, and then back to Winkysnoreyland for 18 hours (somewhere in Iceland I think), I would so take that. (I might also have to pee somewhere in there, but that can be worked around.)
In other words, when it comes to sleep: I’m a fan. In fact, I’m more than a fan – I’m your biggest fan. Sleep, you are so hot. I would totally do you.
Seriously, in a heartbeat.
Where was I?
Oh right. So here’s the deal: As a citizen (give or take) of our fair city, I am imploring you, You, the non-sleeping marginally-employed semi-awake readers and ever-vigilant defenders of the right to cross arms (and nap), to help me do one thing:
Save. Portland.
That’s right. Save the town from being overrun by a new cult that is invading like a Sunday parking ticket infestation. This dangerous group of fiends hates one thing, and one thing only: My beloved Sleep. I know, it’s hard to believe. (See these spots? Well if you could, you would see they are tears.)
In particular? This Cad, this Bounder, who goes by Rick “EyesWideShut” Turoczy, and this…this…brazen antisleeper, Cami “WakingLife” Kaos (observe them in typical form – Kaos wide awake running the show; Turoczy asleep at the wheel):
Take a good look, fellow citizens. Wake up and open your eyes, because they are… [whisper]everywhere…
Rumor has it that that these two and their handler, “Herr Dokterr” as he is known, originated as members of the Philippine mafia, but they have very recently relocated to Portland to wreak havoc and disrupt rapid eye movement for men, women, and children alike. In Portland they have a public front: they are known simply as members of the 30 Hour Day.
In underground anti-sleep circles they are known by their secret cult Twitter name of #30HD. On the streets of our glorious city they go by any number of names: Sleep-haters; Lid-lifters; Toothpick Tanglers; or my personal favorite:
The No-Doze Hos. (I might have made that last one up.)
This den of heartless thugs is giving the figurative finger to my everloving sleepytime maiden, in whose ample bosom I take such great…comfort. They are refusing sleep altogether for 30 torturous hours, as if sleep is something that they detest, as if sleep could be denied, as if sleep was as easily dismissed as the trite, meaningless wedding vows of an unimaginably wealthy golfer.
And WHY? Why why why would they do this thing? Commit this grave abomination? Be as cruel as Tommy Baldingas on the middle school bus beating the crap out of me while I slept (…wait. I’ve said too much…)?
They claim that it’s for charity. They assert that it is, “an effort to raise money and materials for charities like Free Geek, the Oregon Food Bank, and Toys for Tots.” To which, fair citizen I say a hearty Hhhhyeahhhright. As. If.
In fact, the press release goes as far as to say, “Beginning December 18 at 4 PM PT and running through December 19 at 10 PM PT, Portland podcasters will be taking the concept of the charity telethon and updating it for the Web age with “30 hour day” <http://30hourday.org/>, an effort to raise money and materials for charities like Free Geek, the Oregon Food Bank, and Toys for Tots.”
“The live Web-based telethon — which will use streaming media services to deliver the content, the Causes Facebook application <http://www.causes.com/causes/415137> to collect donations, and Twitter to spread the word — will consist of 30 consecutive hours of music, variety acts, podcasts, and other entertainment, all accessible from a typical Web browser. Most importantly, the creators are making the live webcast — which can easily be embedded in any Web site with a few lines of code — available under Creative Commons, allowing any organization or person to use the live event to raise money for charities of their own choosing.”
Can you believe that? Yeah me neither.
So what can we do to stop this? According to the local authorities, there is nothing that can be done officially (although one officer *may* have slipped me a leaflet for “counseling services”, which everybody knows is law enforcement code for the black-ops services of one Blackwater International…), but as citizen police? That, dear friend, is an entirely different matter.
We, the defenders of sleepytime, can do one thing: We can be vigilant. The public eye is everywhere. In fact, we’re not just gonna’ keep an eye on ‘em – We’re gonna’ watch the Hell out of ‘em.
Join the crusade against anti-sleep thuggery by watching every minute, here: <http://30hourday.org/>. You can also follow 30 hour day on Twitter at <http://twitter.com/30hourday> (and study their insidious, evil ways), or join the Facebook fan page at <http://facebook.com/30hourday/> (double agent goodness). For ideas on how to use the content to support your favorite charity (and break the backs of this evil organization in the process), visit <http://bit.ly/30HDideas>.
Band together with me, marchers of the Sleep Brigade. We shall defeat thine enemies with our ever watchful eye. We shall destroy the scourge of wakefulness arm in arm, even if we have to march our way to hell and back. Onward, Napping Soldiers! Bring pillows!
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If you want to know how you can fight against this horrible, horrible thing, here’s some more info (just be sure that it doesn’t infect you too):
“Some of the guests include representatives from the selected charities, as well as scheduled appearances by Portland Mayor Sam Adams; noted pioneer in the use of social media for nonprofits Beth Kanter; Stephanie Stricklen of KGW; Tara Hunt, author of The Whuffie Factor; Brian M. Westbrook of KXL; Pete Grillo of Iterasi; Scott Kveton of Urban Airship and Bac’n; the Portland Sucks podcast; Cort & Fatboy; Courtenay Hameister of Live Wire Radio; reggae band Red Eye Soul Tribe; Renny Gleeson; Pete Krebs Trio; and ska band Target for Tomorrow. In an effort to give the event more international impact, the producers have also lined up guests from Australia, Brazil, England, and Malaysia, with more locations signing on every day.
Current sponsors include Anne Bocci Boutique, Blue Hour, BootsNAll Travel Network, Bridgetown Printing, Comcast, Hot Lips Pizza, Iterasi, Locket2You, NedWater, Reser’s Fine Foods, Tinymeat, Whiffies, Voodoo Doughnut, and Yelp, among others.
The telethon will be hosted by Kaos of Strange Love Live, a popular tech-oriented web talk show, and Rick Turoczy of Silicon Florist <http://siliconflorist.com/>, a blog that covers the Portland startup scene. The studio will be provided by the Portland Incubator Experiment and on-site video event streaming services will be provided by Blaze Streaming Media.
The telethon and instructions for embedding the content will be available at <http://30hourday.org/>.”
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