I have a reputation of being somewhat critical. For example, I often see people on the highway who I think are driving like idiots. In response, I mutter to myself, call them names under my breath, and point them out to my kids as an example of how NOT to drive.

But today I was exposed to someone who is a genuine public danger: I was on I-5 northbound at around 1:00 pm, when I saw a car swerve into view in my rear view mirror, appearing there as if by magic. They quickly moved up to within 2-3 feet of my rear bumper. Mind you, this was at highway speeds.

I slowed down a bit to encourage them to stop tailgating, and after a few moments they abruptly swerved back into the left lane, where they again sat right on the bumper of the car in front of them.

Over the next minute or so, this driver abruptly changed lanes several times trying to move up through heavy traffic. These were violent lane changes that caused the car to heel over to one side, then rock back and forth on its suspension. The driver would always zoom up to within a couple of feet of the car ahead of them, and then they would dart through the next opening that was just barely big enough for their car to fit through. And this all happened at between 55-65 mph. I watched slack-jawed, absolutely convinced that I was going to see a fiery wreck happen right in front of me, but in a few minutes they had swerved through enough pockets in the traffic to zigzag their way up and out of sight.

Like I said, I often see bad drivers. But I rarely see drivers that I know should be off the road because of the danger they represent. For your own sakes, keep your eyes peeled for a dark red Isuzu SUV, Nevada license no. 363 UTP.

And in all seriousness, if you know this car and/or driver, you need to stage some kind of an intervention. Take away their keys, flatten their tires, or something. If they continue to drive the way they were driving today, they WILL kill themselves, or worse, someone else. It’s only a matter of time.

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Dear PDX Advice Guy.

-RM, Sellwood

Ya know RM, different folks celebrate Independence Day in different ways. Some like to just sit in quiet contemplation of our nation’s history, some like backyard bbq’s, and then there’s people like me… who love to blow shit up. I come from Oklahoma and we’re just not happy till we’ve had at least one burn trauma from a Roman Candle fight, ya know?

But anywho, coming to Oregon has been an experience. The fact that you can’t buy any launchy stuff sorta sucks, but I will say that the stuff you all CAN get here is pretty cool, even if it only goes three feet off the ground. Now, that said, I’m sure some folks (like your retarded neighbors, apparently) need a reminder of how to do the next Fourth safely. So here we go.

1) Don’t go to Washington, buy fireworks, then shoot them off here. Seriously. Do NOT be a douche. Buy in WA, shoot off in WA. It’s that simple. Oregon has laws for a reason (and here’s a handy link to them), don’t screw it up because you think you’re a pyrotechnical genius (note: you aren’t).

2) Try to put your fireworks onto a non-flammable surface. There are things like roads and sidewalks that actually do well for this sort of thing. However, if you have no access to these things, live on a populated street, or have the inability to be patient as cars and people pass, then at least take two precautions. First, water your damn lawn. I know, it’s Oregon and it rains here all the time.. that said, an extra dose of water won’t kill that scrub you call a lawn. Seriously, get out the hose and make Mother Earth happy. Second, 4ft by 8ft plywood is $7 at Home Depot. Go spend $20 less on fireworks and $20 more on not torching the weeds you sadly mow once a fortnight.

3) Respect those around you. By which I mean do NOT aim an anything other than your house. Yes genius, that means going into the street/sidewalk, turning around to face your house, and then lighting the fuse. If you live in an apartment, then you probably shouldn’t be involving explosions near there. Similarly, if you know that your neighbors have dogs (who rarely enjoy percussive/concussive activities), do try to stay well-clear of their domain. I’m sure the owners of said animals will appreciate having to clean up less poo.

4) I gave you a list of places holding HUGE (note: LEGAL) displays… plan ahead next year huh?

5) Wiring together 6 fountains, 2 smokeballs, 3 ground flowers, and a Saturn Battery is, perhaps, the dumbest thing I’ve seen. And please bear in mind that I have uttered “hey y’all, watch this!” on July 4th.

And with that I think we can put another Fourth of July in the bag and just wait for next year when, no doubt, Some nitwit in my neighborhood will try to shoot off a mortar, accidentally kick it over, and almost detonate a nearby business… yes, that WAS me laughing at you through the window. Dumbass.

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Now that Fort Vancouver is not having a firework display this year,
where can a family go see the best firework display this Saturday?

Thanks

-PW, Portland

Hey PW. Great question. The fourth IS upon us, isn’t it? Personally, me and Missus PDX Advice Guy are planning on heading on up to Long Beach in order to enjoy the splendor of a day at the beach. I know, I know, I should be hitting something Portland-related. However, the wife does like the beach and, well, she IS the wife. Anywho, enough about us and my plans to get REAL fireworks.. let’s see what’s around Portland:

The first Fourth I spent here was hanging out on the Hawthorne Bridge and watching the fireworks at Tom McCall park while also taking in the Waterfront Blues Festival. I have to admit that I do love me some great blues music, so the opportunity to hang out and take in some tunes while the fireworks got started was amazing. I only wished I’d have had a boat so I could have been on the water. The fireworks are free, of course, you just have to park somewhere within your own sense of walking distance in order to get a good spot either on the bridge, or near the shore. Entrance to the Blues Festival (should you decide to take in some music beforehand) is a $10 donation and two cans of food. It benefits a great cause and, again, it’s the blues.

Another big draw is Oaks Park. What I like best is that fireworks kick off at 9:55, but bracelets for rides expire at midnight. Seriously, how cool is it to be able to ride rides while fireworks are going off? The best part is that admission is a paltry $4 for adults (that would be 16 and older) while the young’uns (15 and under) are a wallet-busting $2.50. The PDX Advice Family is 2 adults and 2 kiddos strong, so admission would be $13. THIRTEEN, people. You want cheap? This is it. Comcast is also sponsoring live entertainment throughout the day. So get there early (gates open at 10) and keep plenty of sunscreen and umbrellas handy. This is a sure-fire winner, especially if you’ve got kids around 11 – 13.

For the more sporty-inclined, the Portland Beavers are taking on the Colorado Springs Sky Sox at PGE Park. Fireworks are set to start after the Beavs finish handing Colorado Springs a loss while they try to climb out of last place in their division. Much like Oaks Park, admission runs anywhere from $8 to $14.50, unless you feel like ponying up $35 in order to get into the exclusive Left Field lounge where you can enjoy being near the Beavs dugout and also a nice summer-food buffet. Regular tickets are available at TicketMaster. The special $35 tickets can be had by calling the Beavers’ ticket office at 503-553-5555.

Lastly, I’m gonna take you juuuuuuuuuuuust a bit outside of Portland. While The Wife loves Long Beach, I have to confess a love for Seaside. Accordingly, I can also suggest the Seaside Chamber of Commerce 4th of July event. While Seaside is a bit of a drive (and yes, not Portland), you really can’t quite beat spending a day at the beach and enjoying great fireworks and some of the best simple snack food around. There’s no cost, of course (which is ALWAYS a plus, especially in this current economy), but the beach DOES fill up quickly, so get there early to stake out your spot and kick back and just enjoy your long weekend (if you happen to get one).

Honestly PW, there’s a lot going on. Yes, it’s sad that Fort Vancouver is cancelled, but that just means you get to explore all the other options around. Heck, you can even help honor my Oklahoma heritage by taking in a rodeo! Of course, you can also just grab up some fireworks and even make a small display at home with your family while having a cookout. Sometimes, there’s just no substitution for family time. No matter what you do PW (or any other PDX folks), just make sure you have a safe holiday. The good Lord gave you 10 fingers and 10 toes.. let’s keep it that way.

And now, dear OurPDX readers, I do my usual and turn it over to you all. Maybe you’ve got a somewhat secret spot that you like and want to share? Maybe you know of a massive display that absolutely MUST be seen to believe? Why not share it in the comments? I’m sure PW could use more suggestions and hey, if you put something cool out there that just makes things look that much better for you right? Absodamnlutely.

As always, I leave you with a recommendation of giving me a star-spangled follow on Twitter. And maybe you need a little advice for yourself? Why not send me an email and let’s see what I can figure out for you!

Be good!

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Folks, the management at OurPDX has challenged us authors to hit 1000 before our anniversary party this week. So in order to help out with that (not to mention get my writing back on track), I’m going to try and post like crazy this week. Not to mention it helps me clear out some of the backlog of advice requests. Speaking of, let’s get one taken care of now, shall we?

Dear PDX Advice Guy

-LB, Portland

LB, I want to start off by apologizing for not getting to this a bit sooner. Like I said above, I gots me a backlog of stuff. Now, your question is one that I myself struggled with a bit, too. After a while, I suddenly realized the precise truth: it doesn’t matter.

Having a gay pride event in a town with an openly-gay mayor pretty much means that, at long last, gay people have hit the same sort of mediocrity as anyone else. And with Adams’ recent clearing, it also proves that, at long last, gay people can prove that they do the same stupid crap as straight folks. So hooray progress! Accordingly, the notion of gray pride events seems almost archaic. Sadly, since there are some nitwits out there who still act like total douchebags about gay folks (prop 8 people, I’m lookin’ at you), gay pride events are still somewhat necessary. It’s sort of like BET and Univision. Quaint ideas that, frankly, have outlived their own usefulness.. but are still necessary to a certain degree.

How about you folks? Any ideas on if the whole Gay Pride movement has lost its usefulness? Maybe you went and think it’s one of the best things going. Why not sound off in the comments and let LB know your feelings on this?

And as usual, I invite y’all to give me a follow on that there Twitter. Of course, maybe you’ve got a situation that requires my delicate sensibilities? Why not just shoot me an email and let’s see what I can do for you today!

Be good!

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Hey folks.

So yes… been gone a spell. Honestly, I’d LOVE to do as kick-ass a post as MediaChick did, but I can’t be as cool as she is.

The truth is, I had to take some personal time. I’ve had some issues that needed dealing with. As a result, I had to take some time off of my writing and focus. I still have work to do, but I feel like I’m far enough along to where I can come back to y’all and let the advice flow. And flow it shall. During my hiatus, I took time to think about what got me into writing (and, of course, OurPDX) in the first place. So I wandered about online and looked back at the various writing projects I had out there. I thought about what made me happiest and what pushed me to work on my writing. I then realized that the answer was right in front of me the whole time…

My friends, I’ve got to be Deviant.

So let’s let me crack open a Drop Top Ale and rifle through the mailbag and let’s see if I can point some wayward soul in the right direction…

Dear PDX Advice Guy.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. The world just seems crazy. Scandals everywhere, insane world events, dumb politics. What’s a dude in Portland to do so he can forget about the insanity?

- KH, Hillsboro

KH, let’s just get right down to it. Life sucks. On occasion, it even blows. Not in the good way either, it just really really blows. It makes you want to just give up and descend into an endless hell of “Scrubs” reruns and wondering why the hell Ryan fucking Reynolds keeps making movie after movie while you toil in obscurity. So sit back, relax, and let’s make it better.

Step 1. Go get drunk. And I don’t mean just drink, I mean blind, stinking, “good god, did I almost get arrested at a petting zoo last night?” drunk. Thankfully, Portland’s a town chock full o’ great microbrews and microbreweries. Even luckier, you’ve got The Green Dragon. Even more luckierer, you can swing by Friday to enjoy the OurPDX Anniversary Party. At least, the first part of it. The second part will, of course, be an authors-only event at Strange Love Live. I have a doctor appointment at 3, but will certainly be busting my ass to get out to the Green Dragon in order to Beer and Blog it up! Then I’ll be heading over to the SLL studios to be a part of the studio audience, unless I get absolutely HAMMERED enough to get on camera.

Please note, by “hammered” I mean “diabetic hammered,” which involves me drinking at least two 20 ounce Dr Peppers. My god, I’m an animal.

So after you’ve managed to get more drunk that Dick Cheney during quail season, you’ve got to find a way to really unwind. Now, you all probably think I’m going to tell you to go out to a strip club, but I’ve already covered that. Nope, you need to take it up another notch. First off, why not go visit OurPDX’ good friend WizardBoots‘ illustrious job at the porn shop. Pick yourself up a couple of great flicks and settle in for a night of disgusting fun. Of course, man does not live by porn alone. You need food. Why not hit Whiffie’s Pies afterwards and help refuel for the night of rest you’ll need after drinking and porning your way through life’s little rough patch.

That’s it for now people. I’d write more, but I’ve got to grab some shut eye and get my beauty sleep so I’m all pretty for the crowd Friday night and the audience Friday nighter. And if you didn’t pick up on the subtletly earlier, why not join us at the OurPDX Anniversary party! Come on out and meet some of the illustrious folks who make this site such a great destination on the ole internets.

And yeah, I’ll be there too. Feel free to come tell me my advice sucks right to my face. If I’m diabetdrunk enough, I might just hug you and tell you I love you.

In the meantime, why not give me a follow on the ole Twitters? And maybe you’ve got yourself a situation that needs some advice? Why not drop me an email and let’s see what I can do for you.

Y’all be good now!

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Dear PDX Advice Guy

- DL, Portland

First off DL, welcome to Portland. I myself am a somewhat recent-ish transplant here and I also considered giving up my car, but decided that wasn’t a smart move on my part. At the moment, my wife and I happen to own a planet-raping SUV. Now, with that said, let me make a case for and against ditching your regular hoopty.

Against:

Portland is a BIG city and it’s rather spread out. Of course, as you’ve mentioned, you like going outside of Portland. Near as I can tell, TriMet doesn’t seem to go out to the beach, the mountain, or anywhere else outside of Portland. So for adventures, you’re stuck carpooling or else somehow biking to your destination. Oh sure, a bike ride to the coast sounds wonderful, until you realize just how far away the coast is and then also realize that commuting to the coast by bike seems like an absolutely retarded idea anyways because it’s going to take you a billion hours to get there. Not to mention it’s just not an easy ride. Hills, valleys, narrow roads, and no real bike access are going to turn that ride into a mobile Bataan Death March. And that’s just not fun at all.

For:

Ok. So I’ve managed to dish out a lot of reasons why ditching the auto and going with bikes and public transportation is bad. Those things said, there are GREAT reasons to consider ditching your car. Portland itself is a bike haven. Lots of lanes, bike boxes, and a massive biking community are great reasons to get on two wheels. Your want of exploration outside of the immediate Portland area isn’t that tough when you’re car-less. A quick ad up on the ole Craigslist can help you find a travel partner who can get you all to at least part of your destination; then you can just let your natural side take over and hike the rest of the way. Oregon is PACKED with trails. Portland Monthly has an article all about trails this month and a great trail locater here.

A word of caution though. giving up your car isn’t quite the dream that it sounds like. You sacrifice the ability to haul most anything, altho River City Bicycles does try to solve that problem (and BikePortland.org has a good thread on it here). Additionally, maintenance on a bike can be a slight bit trickier than maintenance on a car, but Bike Gallery offers some great free clinics in order to learn the proper care and feeding of your bike.

Ultimately DL, this is very much your call. I can give you some ideas, but how about we let the ever-awesome readers of OurPDX chip in their own advice on this. Anyone out there care to give us their story? Pro Bike? All Car? Do you like to get drunk and drag out the ole Segway? Sound off in the comments and let’s see if we can help DL here!

As always, if you need any help with something, feel free to send me an email. you can find me at pdxadviceguy (at) gmail (dot) com. Or if you’re more modernistic, why not give me a follow on the ole Twitter (and you ARE following the OurPDX Twitter right?). Thanks much for taking the time to stop by!

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Dear PDX Advice Guy

I love where I work. I love most of the people I work with. However, there’s this one guy in our office who most of us call “Le Stink.” He’s a nice guy, but it seems like he doesn’t shower all that often. We really don’t know how to tell him this or what we can do about it. Any ideas here?

- A Company Downtown

Whoah. I gotta talk to a whole company? Uhm.. usually my advice columns are a one-to-one thing you know? It’s somewhat intimate. It’s that person and me (and something like 1000+ visitors a day to OurPDX.com) just having a casual chat about their problems. To be honest, I think I’ve got myself a little stage fright…

-three Broken Halos and a shot of Maker’s Mark later…-

Ok ACD, I gave it some thought and think I know how to handle this situation. Let’s get stinky-poo over here in front of the computer. Come on now, just set his butt down and let me have a little tete-a-tete with him… by the way, that’s fancy Frenchy talk for “let’s have us a Come to Jesus meetin’… did I mention I was from Oklahoma?

Hey Stinky. You sitting down? Comfy? Great. Let’s talk.

Son… your fellow employees are getting grossed out by you. They’re tellin me that you don’t shower and think that deodorant is a bad idea. Now, I understand that you’re probably new to the Oregon area, or else you’re just really in love with the idea of being all “rugged” or “back to nature” or think that, somehow, you’re going to get a personal LEED certification. Son, give up now. It’s not going to happen. I know, I know. You think it’s cool and somehow brings you in touch with Mother Earth. I respect that, I really do. However, you work in a building and not in a forest.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be fresh as a daisy every day and go running full-speed into the dreaded M E T R O S E X U A L territory. Nono, you can still be granola, but without subtly announcing it to people who are 300 feet downwind of you. Now, you’re going to want to clean up AND pay penance to the people you’ve offended olfactorily and I’ve got just the recipe. Follow along…

First off, you need quality soap. For my money, I’m usually checking out Escential Lotions and Oils (3638 SE Hawthorne | website). I like to go with the Peppermint Exfoliating Body Wash. It’s 14 bucks and lasts me usually about 3 weeks. A little bit goes a long way to cleaning yo stank ass and, even better, it’s all-natural and made by a business interested in local sustainability. So this is win-WIN baby!

Now, man does not clean by soap alone. You need to add a little extra something to ensure that the stink stays away and that your skin is actually something another person will want to touch. I know, I know.. you’re sitting there looking at that Shea Butter & Honey Sugar Scrub, as well as the Honey Almond Scrub. They’re both good calls, but you’re gonna need a little something extra. As much as I don’t want to, I’m gonna need to let you in on my secret weapon… Lilac Bath Salts from Elizabeth W. I know, you’re saying “But.. PDX Advice Guy.. Elizabeth W is in San Francisco, what gives!?” You’re right smelly friend, Elizabeth W IS in fact out of San Fran (hence me not linking it.. you can Google that yourself big boy). But look at the link.. that’s right champ, Lille Boutique (give em a follow on the ole Twitter won’t ya?). No, I’m not suggesting you get in touch with your cross-dressing side (well…), I just think it’s important that a well-groomed man know where to get a little something for the ladies. After all, this IS Deviant Advice Friday.

Of course, you don’t want it serious all the time do you? Hell no you don’t, that’s why you should get on over to Urbane Zen (multiple locations | website). You have to totally appreciate a company who produces a Karma-tini fizzie, a sloe Gin Fiz bath fizzie, not to mention a Cheeky Little Monkey fizzie. And while you’re there, be sure to grab up a can of Anti Monkey Butt Powder. Trust me, you’re gonna need it…

Of course, this is where I turn it over to you, dear readers. I’ve given Stanky there a couple ideas for cleaning himself up, but what about YOU? Where do you go for those extra special somethings to make bathtime that much better (and not THAT way, easy folks)?

As always, you all are the absolute soul of OurPDX and we here love you all (some more than others, chicka bow wow). Maybe you’ve got yourself a little sitch-ee-ay-shun that needs some help? Curious about where to get whatever in PDX? Drop me line, or else give me a follow on Twitter.

Take it easy!

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Dear PDX Advice Guy

-FJ, Gladstone

Oh man, FJ, you have lousy luck. This is Deviant Advice Friday and you’ve got a Mommy’s Day question? This is So not going to work out well for you. I could actually go so far as to tell you that this advice column will probably result in your Mother deciding that giving birth to you was a horrible mistake because you can’t take 5 minutes out of your “busy” life to get her something special on one of the two days of the year where she needs to be thought of first (yes genius, the other is her birthday.. you DO remember that, right?).

No, I’m kidding. I’ll get you sorted and even make it a tiny bit deviant because, well, that’s what I do. Let’s do this…

First off, your mom is tired of stupid flowers and oversize cards with some crayon drawing of some bear going “I Wuv You Diiiiiis Much.” If you buy Mom something like that and you’re over the age of 2, then shoot yourself. Unless you have a kid and you’re buying that card for your kid to give to Mom.. then, by all means, go nuts with it. So what to give her instead? Easy: Get her freaking DRUNK!

Face it kiddo, you’re in Portland and we’re pretty much headed for a Beer City USA declaration anyways, so why not take advantage of it? Check out this list of craft breweries from the awesome folks over at Travel Portland (in fact, why not follow them on Twitter as well?). This will give you a good idea of where to check for specialty brews for Mom.

So now you’ve managed to make Mom a heartfelt six-pack. Mom can’t dine on just beer alone, she needs something hearty to go with that. I have one word for you my friend: Bacn. No, not “bacon,” but Bacn. Why not give the gift that keeps on giving all year long? That’s right, hook Mom up with a membership to the Bac’n of the Month Club. Not only do you get the satisfaction of helping a local business out, but you also know that your gift will help Mom jam her arteries full of delicious pork goodness and, in that scenario, everyone wins.

Of course, Mom will likely need to burn off some of that energy. You’ve got two choices. Oh sure, you COULD go the “safe route” and get Mom a membership over at The Green Microgym and revel in the fact that when Mom works out, she’s helping the environment out. Seriously, how cool is that? You’re right, it’s the easy way out. You’re wanting something deviant. Nothing quite SHRIEKS “Honor Mom” and “Class” like pole-dancing. PDX is just bursting with pole dance facilities, but PDX Advice Guy recommends two: Ecdysiast and Diva Den Studio. Honestly, why shouldn’t Dad enjoy Mother’s day a bit as well? After all, Mom didn’t exactly do this alone you know?

So Mom is now drunk, packed with bacn, and worn out from pole-dancing (or making electricity, cause your Mom’s cool like that). What’s left? Damn right, dessert! And there isn’t much better than making a special dessert for Mom over at Pix (yes, I’ve mentioned them before.. but I seriously LOVE this place). Join one of the best damn dessert joints in town on Mother’s day (northside only, 3901 N Williams AVE) from 11am to 3pm. Set mom up with a mimosa on the patio and let her watch her little darling make her a dessert with expert assistance from the decadently devious chefs. The best part? This little indulgence runs a paltry 12 bucks. Seriously. That oversized card? That thing’s like six bucks, so this deal is a DEAL.

And there you have it FJ. A guaran-damn-teed foolproof Mother’s Day to confirm to Mom that spending 36 hours of hellacious labor to birth you is still worth it.

Of course, OurPDX is nothing without i’s readers. So, to you all, I want to wish all Moms, Moms-to-Be, Grammas, and all things in between a heartfelt “Happy Mothers Day” and to remind everyone that Mom’s day is really EVERY day cause Mom’s good like that, yo.

Finally, dear readers, it’s your turn. Let’s hear YOUR suggestions for a Memorable Mother’s Day. Maybe you can think of something more deviant? Perhaps you like tradition? Leave some comments down there and let’s get some ideas out there. And if you’ve got yourself a situation in need of some meditation, then why not email me (or follow me up on the ole Twitter) and let’s see what I can do for YOU.

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Dear PDX Advice Guy,

-SR, Southeast

Lucky lucky girl there SR! You’re in southeast! It’s TOTALLY a hip place to hang out. Let’s see what we can do here…

First off, you’ve got the Bagdad Theater. It’s a great place for an impromptu meetup (whether with people you know, or have no clue who the hell they are). Grab an Edgefield Wheat and chomp down on a Captain Neon burger and settle in for a great second-run film. You can’t beat the price and the atmosphere is awesome. Plus everyone’s pretty chummy there, so you might even make a friend or two. Heck, I’ve whiled away many an afternoon just hanging out and watching folks walk up and down Hawthorne. You absolutely cannot go wrong with an institution like McMenamins.

Of course, there’s also the BridgePort Ale House, Sapphire Hotel, Apizza Scholls, and -if you feel like getting just a wee smidge off Hawthorne- there’s also Pix for desserts that are almost too pretty to consume (but trust me, you’ll still eat them).

So now you’re stuffed and high on sugar. What now? Well, there’s always shopping. The southeast area has a TON of great shops that cover almost anything you can think of. A personal favorite of mine is Alteration Nation. I love the gothy stuff (I’m shallow, after all) and this is THE place to see it. But perhaps you aren’t into cyberpunk (*gasp!*)? Then there’s other boutique store and even home stores to help decorate your pad and make it more party-friendly since you’re bound to meet people walking the area on a weekend. By the way, take a quick trip inside Greg’s in order to find those hard-to-get home decorations. Granted, I’m biased cause that just so happens to be my name too!

You said something about having a pooch? Well, aren’t you in luck. There’s a fantastic off-leash dog park that will allow both you and your happy hound to get out and enjoy the brief flings of sunny weather that decides to occasionally grace PDX. You can also check out and see if there are any upcoming events over at Portland Pooch events section.

So SR. There’s just a brief sampling of what’s out there. I’ve only touched upon a TINY amount of what’s out there for you to do in the SE. I’m sure the exceptional OurPDX readers will be quick and happy to point out their favorite SE destinations and even offer their take on the area. So don’t hesitate to get out there SR, there’s LOTS for you to do!

PS: Comic books? Trust me, you are not alone…

And now I turn it over to you, dear OurPDX readers. Why not help SR out with your ideas and suggestions. Perhaps you’ve got your own quandary to deal with and need some help? Why not send me an email or even follow me on Twitter! See y’all Wednesday!

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Dear PDX Advice Guy

- DF, NOT PEARL!

It’s easy DF… you said:

“I really really really don’t want to go”

You said:

“he really really wants to”

So since you used three reallys versus his two, you win! What? It doesn’t work like that? Well, true. Ok, so here we go.

I hate the Pearl too. Well, I don’t hate VISITING the Pearl. It’s a great place to walk around and take in some fantastic sights like the following:

Wait.. that last one isn’t so bad. But then, I’m a jerk sometimes (most of the time?).

So yes, the Pearl does have quite a bit of suckage present based on the exceptional amount of hip-and-trendy in the area. However, the Pearl also has good things going for it. I mean, I did mention the girls right? Granted DF, I don’t really know if you’re a raging bisexual, but hey… it’s worth a shot (did I mention my being a jerk yet?). So what else makes it worthwhile?

Well, there’s some damn fine food there. There’s PeemKeaw and it TOTALLY rocks my deviant tastebuds. And what’s a deviant advice columnist without a deviant treat? Useless, that’s what. So when I want to get my snack on (and punish my kidneys) I head on over to Cupcake Jones. In fact, I think Jones needs a Deviant Advice cuppy cake. Frankly, I deserve it. Especially cause my wife makes cupcakes and would murder me for saying this. Of course, I like to keep it spicy so I also occasionally stop by Cha Cha Cha. So yes, the Pearl does have a few things going for it.

So DF, my advice to you? Suck it up and move. He gets to stare at lots of eye candy (and trust me, there’s a male version too) and you get some of the best damn grub in Portland. Sure, you’ll be paying way too much for a cute little apartment that some developer paid next to nothing for. You’ll hate the fact that the human traffic down there (traffiC, not trafficK as there IS a difference) makes attempting to drive impossible. You’ll also hate the fact that EVERYONE will go on about their crappy tiny apartment. But hey… it’s The Pearl.

I mentioned the girls, right?

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