Dear PDX Advice Guy.

-RM, Sellwood

Ya know RM, different folks celebrate Independence Day in different ways. Some like to just sit in quiet contemplation of our nation’s history, some like backyard bbq’s, and then there’s people like me… who love to blow shit up. I come from Oklahoma and we’re just not happy till we’ve had at least one burn trauma from a Roman Candle fight, ya know?

But anywho, coming to Oregon has been an experience. The fact that you can’t buy any launchy stuff sorta sucks, but I will say that the stuff you all CAN get here is pretty cool, even if it only goes three feet off the ground. Now, that said, I’m sure some folks (like your retarded neighbors, apparently) need a reminder of how to do the next Fourth safely. So here we go.

1) Don’t go to Washington, buy fireworks, then shoot them off here. Seriously. Do NOT be a douche. Buy in WA, shoot off in WA. It’s that simple. Oregon has laws for a reason (and here’s a handy link to them), don’t screw it up because you think you’re a pyrotechnical genius (note: you aren’t).

2) Try to put your fireworks onto a non-flammable surface. There are things like roads and sidewalks that actually do well for this sort of thing. However, if you have no access to these things, live on a populated street, or have the inability to be patient as cars and people pass, then at least take two precautions. First, water your damn lawn. I know, it’s Oregon and it rains here all the time.. that said, an extra dose of water won’t kill that scrub you call a lawn. Seriously, get out the hose and make Mother Earth happy. Second, 4ft by 8ft plywood is $7 at Home Depot. Go spend $20 less on fireworks and $20 more on not torching the weeds you sadly mow once a fortnight.

3) Respect those around you. By which I mean do NOT aim an anything other than your house. Yes genius, that means going into the street/sidewalk, turning around to face your house, and then lighting the fuse. If you live in an apartment, then you probably shouldn’t be involving explosions near there. Similarly, if you know that your neighbors have dogs (who rarely enjoy percussive/concussive activities), do try to stay well-clear of their domain. I’m sure the owners of said animals will appreciate having to clean up less poo.

4) I gave you a list of places holding HUGE (note: LEGAL) displays… plan ahead next year huh?

5) Wiring together 6 fountains, 2 smokeballs, 3 ground flowers, and a Saturn Battery is, perhaps, the dumbest thing I’ve seen. And please bear in mind that I have uttered “hey y’all, watch this!” on July 4th.

And with that I think we can put another Fourth of July in the bag and just wait for next year when, no doubt, Some nitwit in my neighborhood will try to shoot off a mortar, accidentally kick it over, and almost detonate a nearby business… yes, that WAS me laughing at you through the window. Dumbass.

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