(T)he(y) had a lot to say;
(T)he(y) had a lot of nothing to say,
We’ll miss them.
We’re gonna miss them…

As fans of Portland’s rowdiest rock station know, major shakeups have been happening. KUFO has gutted its on-air staff and brought in “talent” from around the country. I checked it out yesterday, and I’ll get to that in a minute, but first I want to reminisce about the last eighteen years or so. I was listening when the “mothership” docked the first time, and believe the first song played was Ozzy’s Flying High Again. (Maybe not, those were the drinking years…) I know KUFO played You Can’t Kill Rock & Roll to welcome in the new millennium; a moment that gave me the misties. I stood downtown, listening on a Walkman, waiting for the world to end.

I was a big fan of the Bill Prescott Show. He brought in Tawn Mastery, famous LA DJ and sweet-voiced sidekick. They also had a studio minion named Cort Webber from MOE-lolla. He claimed to be a celibate young man; said he’d never even masturbated. Maybe that’s why he was so no-nonsense when dealing with the 7 AM beer crowd. You could talk to Bill, but you had to get past Cort, who was a formidable call-screener.

Cort added to the show, in ways other than making me feel sorry for his asexual ass. He made a Pop-Up-Video audio parody of Marilyn Manson’s Beautiful People, which I remember as one of the funniest things I’d ever heard. (Disclosure: I would be listening on the sunrise side of a night of drinking, so everything on the Prescott Show was funny. Yup.) When Cort finally admitted that he wasn’t a frustrated pent-up virgin, a collective “Phew!” could be heard throughout the Portland area. I wonder how many times he lost his virginity that year?

Until last Friday, Cort had been working at KUFO as a producer, and for the last several years as a night and afternoon-drivetime personality. He’s had a motley assortment of sidekicks on-air. He produced Craig the Dog-Faced Boy and Porkchop’s afternoon show, then got a night-gig with a local youngster, Boomer. I met them at a KoRn concert simulcast, which was a hoot. Fifteen-year-old skater punks and their MILFy moms. I became a KoRn fan that day.

Boomer drifted off the radar, and Cort needed a new sidekick. A contest was held, and this fellow named Bobby ‘Fatboy’ Roberts was in the mix. He’d been part of the show somehow, and KUFO, back when they had some wisdom, gave him the slot with Cort. And so the transformation began. It was a match made somewhere holy.

The running joke was that KUFO listeners were mullet-wearing El Camino-driving tweaker types with Fu Manchu mustaches who smoke menthol 100s. Girls were sloppy drunks with whale-tails and ass-antlers. To admit you listened to (and enjoyed) KUFO was akin to calling yourself an inbred yokel. Cue the hipster eyeroll.

Fatboy whipped out his bag of tricks, and things began changing. The intellect of the callers (on-air anyway) rose dramatically. Instead of poop and titty jokes, the conversation focused on pop culture, beer, world news, (guns, drugs, violence…) Man, I miss Dirty Laundry.

And the games! While not exactly a game, Thunderdome was a favorite part of my week. Cort and Fatboy pick songs not in heavy rotation, and the listener chooses the winner, usually with a smartass comment. Since I don’t have enough outlets for my smartass comments (ahem) I had to play along every week. My personal favorite? One time Cort played Spinal Tap’s Big Bottom. I called, and in my best Michael Clarke Duncan impersonation, said “MOE-lolla wants to tap that ass!” That earned a “YIKES!” from Fatboy.

Of course, the highlight of the week was Stump The Movie Douche. Being a film fan, this was right up my alley, and co-workers loved playing along. The first time I got him, I used Robin Williams and Florence Henderson, which earned me Nine Inch Nails tickets. There was another well-documented incident involved Laura Dern and Diane LANE. You can read about that here.

I still have my ace-in-the-hole Douche-Stumper, in case they ever have Tool tickets up for grabs again. It’s borderline cheesedick, (listeners know the term) but if it gets me into Tool…

Cort and Fatboy have resurrected the Midnight Movie. I used to go every weekend back in the late ’70’s-early ’80s. To have a modern day version, in a theater that sells BEER? When I was a young’un we had to sneak our own beer in! There was no kind host to feed us tater tots while we waited in line. You little bastards should be so lucky! And you can be: There’s another one coming up Friday November 6, at the Bagdad Theater. It’s Raising Arizona, and I plan on showing up for old time’s sake. I’ve put off going before. “Oh, there’ll be another one next month.” Maybe. Maybe not. Radio is a fickle bitch.

A Tweet-up of One

I caught a glimpse of their appearance at Live on The Square, through the window. (That’s my shadow above Fatboy’s left shoulder, if you saw it on TV.) I’d hoped it wouldn’t be the last time I saw them. What if a ‘real’ city heard their stuff and took them away? I’m hoping they land on a local show with tolerable music. If they go country, I *will* be investing in podcast gear.

And now to the fun part of the show: evaluating the New KUFO. It was probably smart of Alpha Broadcasting to let the smoke clear before bringing on the new crew. Despite the emotional attachments to the on-air personalities, I listen to the station for the music. The early part of the week was tough on me. I like, no need the pulse-pounding neck-hair-raising caterwaul of cookie-monster rock to get through my day. I love shouting down crackheads to the melodic strains of Slipknot, and practically dance a jig when I hear Disturbed’s Down With The Sickness. Dropkick Murphys at noon? Dude, that’s better than a breakfast beer. And there’s no other channel in Portland, except maybe KBOO, where I’ll hear Tool or the Butthole Surfers. Mellow music has its place in my life, but I need slaughterhouse rock when I’m at work.

So how are the new guys doing? I’d say “Meh” but the phrase is already taken. My first moments on the new KUFO went like this: Linkin Park song fades out, new DJ asks a woman caller, “What up, Snapper?”

Nice to see you brought your manners.

She hung up on him when he asked her how big her “fat-bags” were. Then five minutes of commercials, two songs, and five more minutes of commercials.

The fellow that replaced Cort and Fatboy? He supposedly hates blacks and gays, referring to things he doesn’t like as gay. His on-air voice sounds like a cross between a constipated Craig the Dog-Faced Boy and Fiddy Cent on Quaaludes. I didn’t catch any funny, just misogyny and rudeness. I can tune him out easily, though. If he talks too long, KINK is right next door. Alpha won’t let its DJs talk for too long anyway, I’m guessing. Got to get those ads on!

If there’s a pleasant surprise to this, it’s the return of Marconi. Yes, you read that right. While I’ve met Marconi, and he seems like a nice man, I never listened to his show much. His KNRK days were mash-up/remix heavy, with too much white noise for me to tolerate for any length of time. At KUFO his show reminded me of being next to loud people in a quiet bar. Great if you’re drunk, but I wasn’t. I tended to surf during his shows, especially when he’d rerun the first two hours to make the second two hours of his show. While I liked Cort and Fatboy at night when my brain is firing, their replacing him for drive-time wasn’t the end of the world.

And now he’s the epitome of good taste, compared to the new crew. I hope he continues to just be himself, and not try to outshock the new guys. Will I continue to listen to KUFO? Yeah, even thought I heard the Foo Fighters and Linkin Park ten times each during my workday yesterday. I hope they get back to playing Tool. Pantera has gone missing. Guys? They play Linkin Park everywhere, and hearing the “Cocaine/Champagne” song four times in an afternoon is too much. I noticed they play a few artists on a two-hour rotation. More choice Ozzy cuts, guys? Even KGON plays Crazy Train. A nod to Motorhead would be nice.

And if you’re gonna bust out the Culture Club to be funny, play the whole goddamn song. No one is gonna be pissed off (or amused) by a sound byte. Yes, I really want to hurt you.

I miss Cort and Fatboy already. I get teased for my terrestrial radio-loving ways, but I’m old, and habits die hard. I get a thrill when my wisecracks come back to me through the little magic box. I like listening to my imaginary buddies who keep my brain busy as I bang through the monotony of the work day.

KUFO, you talk about having balls. Perhaps my favorite moment ever on KUFO? Cort and Fatboy were playing My Rock, and accidentally (?) played the uncut version of Marilyn Manson’s Cake and Sodomy. It was about 11:30 at night, and my fellow redheaded co-worker turned that sucker up and sang along like a crazed banshee.

“White trash get down on your knees… Time for cake and sodomy…”

Got balls, KUFO? Put your racist money where your mouth is and play that song on drivetime.

(Don’t forget the midnight movie, kids.)

Related Posts

• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)
• June 30, 2009 -- A long time ago, in a multiplex far away… (4)
• December 9, 2008 -- Radio Waves (3)
• January 8, 2010 -- The Button Man (1)
• November 27, 2009 -- Unholy Night (0)

Here’s what we’ve found as we’ve traveled the local PDX web (complete with our comments) for October 26th:

• Cort and Fatboy in first full interview since KUFO massacre | Oregon Media Central

  From the interview…

  OMC: What's the most realistic, concrete way that Portland radio could be made better? Then, what's the fantasy way, and why is that only a fantasy?

  Cort Webber: …Well, I think the two questions are linked because the most realistic ways to make radio better are probably just a fantasy at this point. The best way to make Portland radio "better" is to fully staff stations with live, local bodies…

  Fatboy: …but to me, it seems like you can realistically succeed in Portland radio by simply paying attention to the people in the city. Know what you want to be, and then be it….

  Read the rest of the interview (I’d have clipped much more good stuff, but I want you to read it where it came from…!)

• Oregon Music News

  Where have I been that I missed *this*? Helmed by Tom D'Antoni, tech produced by multi-dextrous John Nastos (yes, the same jazz musician who runs Ta.gulus & has mad tech coding skills in addition to his saxophone mastery, apparently), this site already has tons of local content in genres ranging from classical to acoustic to indie, written by many names you're probably already familiar with if you love local music. (Tara Dublin in the house? Oh, yeah…)

  Adding it to my RSS feed now; scoping out places to go this weekend…(turns out I hadn’t missed it; official launch was announced after I added it to this post. Good to know I’m not completely out of the loop…!

• Call for classroom projects floods online charity – Portland Public Schools

  If Salem can't/won't, big business can/will. Could your company help?

  From a recent PPS news release – "Presented an opportunity for money for student projects, teachers in Portland Public Schools responded in force, demonstrating both their creativity and the need for classroom funding. Now, the school district is looking for additional support to fill all of their requests.

  The story started when J.P. Morgan Chase — in partnership with DonorsChoose.org, a nonprofit Web site connecting donors with specific classroom needs in public schools — offered to fund classroom projects in PPS in K-8 literacy, math and science. Four days after PPS teachers were presented with the opportunity, more than 250 of them had submitted 500 projects on DonorsChoose.org — with a total request of $250,000. That's a sharp increase from the 14 PPS projects posted on the site just four days before."

Related Posts

• December 17, 2008 -- OurPDX Shared Links (0)
• February 2, 2010 -- LOST? Found… (1)
• February 1, 2010 -- Fight! Fight! (0)
• November 30, 2009 -- OurPDX shared links for 11/29 (2)
• November 5, 2009 -- OurPDX shared links for November 5th (0)

I’m going to try to refrain from using foul language, but no promises. I’m writing this in a fit of barely contained rage.

Alpha Broadcasting has recently purchased several local radio stations, including KUFO. KUFO has never been the pinnacle of highbrow music, but it feeds the sweaty masses with knucklehead rock and occasional snips of hilarity. Or, between 3 PM-7 PM, constant doses of hilarity.

KUFO, in its infinite wisdom, has fired all the remaining talent at the station, The Cort and Fatboy Show most notably. (The Rick Emerson Show was also canceled, but I don’t get up that early.) I came home from a lovely afternoon to find the topic exploding on Twitter. Fatboy’s Tweets are humble and surprisingly upbeat, befitting his personality. This pisses me off to the extreme, because I listen to their show every day at work. You can bet I will be boycotting KUFO for a while, if not indefinitely. If the lineup is like what I’m hearing about, I will NOT be listening.

This is from PDXsucks.com:

We at Portland Sucks and PDX.FM would like to cordially invite you to express your anger, your sadness, your fondest memories – because we know that you loved listening to Cort and Fatboy every day too. We’ve set up a voicemail line at 503.928.5174 and encourage you to tell KUFO and Alpha Broadcasting how you feel – or, if being pissy isn’t your thing, tell us how much you’ll miss Cort and Fatboy. We don’t need your names if you don’t want to give them but we do want your thoughts and opinions.

I’ve heard through the Twittervine that there will be a hoisting or ten of the glasses in their honor at the Horse Brass Pub tonight at 8 PM. (No word if the boys will show, but I hope they do.) I will raise my Diet Dr Pepper in your honor and avoid the bottle of whiskey calling my name right now.

Guys, you’ve made my afternoons for the last several years. I’ve had an outlet for my smartass remarks during Thunderdome, I’ve stumped The Movie Douche more than once, and even got to attend a Blazer game with Cort and Fatboy. My one regret: I’ve procrastinated attending their Midnight Movies. I’d always assumed there would be one next month.

This makes me want to go out and stomp on some chickens, but it’s not the chickens’ fault. AUGHH! The only thing keeping me calm right now is the knowledge that they are so talented, so funny, that there’s no way they’re going to be off Portland radio for very long.

And where they turn up, so shall I.

KUFO? You can kiss my rosy red ass.

Related Posts

• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• June 30, 2009 -- A long time ago, in a multiplex far away… (4)
• February 5, 2009 -- Douchebaggery in the First Degree (5)
• December 9, 2008 -- Radio Waves (3)
• January 8, 2010 -- The Button Man (1)

Attention space cadets!

Been hearing Darth Vader’s deep breathing every time you answer the phone? Get an image of Luke Skywalker every time someone offers to lend you a hand? Then I’ve got the movie for you:

On July 3rd, KUFO’s Cort and Fatboy are bringing Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back to the big screen for the first time since 1997 with the latest in their monthly series of Midnight Movies at the Bagdad Theater. The screening is a charity benefit with all proceeds going to Doernbecher Children’s Hospital. Along with the exclusive presentation of what is widely regarded as the greatest movie of the Star Wars saga, members of the 501st Legion Cloud City Garrison Star Wars costuming club will be on hand to take pictures and interact with the fans. Tickets are $5 and can only be purchased after 9pm on the day of the show at the Bagdad Box Office. 21 and Over only.

Confession: I haven’t seen The Empire Strikes Back. Not even on TV. I’ve seen all the “new” films, and the original Star Wars many times. I still feel a bit ripped off, because back in 1978 or so I was suckered into seeing the original Star Wars because “once it leaves the theaters, YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!” (Kind of like Kiss’s everlasting farewell tour, I guess.) I was proud of my teenage boycott of things overly commercial/mass appeal. Disco was popular, for god’s sake. My fellow man can be a bit shallow in the grey matter department, but I had to see for myself. I was impressed. My favorite scene was where Luke was in the desert with two suns beating down. I’ve always been a sucker for a beautiful sunset.

I kept falling asleep during the second film, and never bothered with TESB. But now I have that chance. I’m guessing there’ll be no sleeping at this showing.

Then again, if they’d served beer at the Westgate back in the day, I might have been able to stay awake…

Thanks to the internet for the picture of Yoda getting, ahem, centered…

Related Posts

• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• January 8, 2010 -- The Button Man (1)
• November 27, 2009 -- Unholy Night (0)
• November 6, 2009 -- Midnight at the Oasis (0)
• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)

So, got plans this Friday? Wanna hang out with some Caucasians?

Before you have visions of a skinhead revival doing a jackboot-dance on your head, let me clarify. Caucasians, aka White Russians, are the drink of choice of Jeff “the Dude” Lebowski. One part Kahlua, two parts vodka and a splash of half & half. Yum! After a few, you feel like a candy bar. All sweet and edible.

This Friday night, KUFO’s Cort and Fatboy are hosting their annual March of the Lebowskis. This started a few years back, as part of their Midnight Movie series. Every year around Cinco de Mayo they invade the Bagdad Theater, and everyone gets bombed. Here’s the dillio: You show up at Laurelhurst Park around 8:30 PM or so. Bring your ID and wear your bathrobe. YOU MUST HAVE A BATHROBE. (They’re sticklers about the ID too.) After this motley bunch gets their proverbial sh*t together, they march down 39th to the theater. I’m sure this is a somber affair.

Once at the theater, it’s a Caucasian Cotillion. Let’s get sticky!

Unfortunately, I have a previous engagement, and continue to dally with temperance. But if I were going… I look a lot like Walter, and White Russians were my drink back in the day, although I instituted my own minor modifications. I used 100 proof vodka, and Cafe Lolita instead of Kahlua. (It was a cost thing.) I preferred the taste of 2% milk over half & half, and it was cheaper. Caucasians are sneaky little things; you slam four or five ’cause they taste so good, and the next thing you know you’re wandering down Cesar Chavez Boulevard in a bathrobe. Viva la Caucasian! Happy Cinco de Mayo! Don’t taze me, bro!

Did I mention there’s a movie after all this? Starts around 11 PM, but if you don’t meet at the park with ID and bathrobe you probably won’t get in. It sells out every year. (Cost of admission: ID and bathrobe. Have I emphasized that enough?) Get there early, or you’ll be stuck wandering Hawthorne in a bathrobe, which is more of a Felony Flats fashion statement.

Knock back a couple of them Caucasians for me, wouldja?

Related Posts

• February 2, 2010 -- LOST? Found… (1)
• January 8, 2010 -- The Button Man (1)
• November 27, 2009 -- Unholy Night (0)
• November 6, 2009 -- Midnight at the Oasis (0)
• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)

Last night’s Blazer game was a hoot. As Tom Peterson says, “Free is a very good price!”

Thanks to KUFO, in exchange for some minor movie trivia I was gifted a pair of tickets. I had a companion come to mind immediately, but she couldn’t go. Something about a school function. C’mon! The kid’s getting twelve years of school, minimum. I never get free Blazer tickets. Pesky kid’s future anyway…

This led to the dilemma of what to do with the extra ticket. I could simply use the extra seat as a place to stretch out, but that seemed wasteful. (Especially considering I may have displaced someone from the game, seeing how my tickets were provided after all prizes were awarded.) The Blazers are a hot ticket this year, (pun!) and I knew someone would be interested.

At least two of my bosses are basketball fans. Hmm… can’t really choose one over the other. As I pondered a solution, one of my co-workers mentioned that he’d once been a waterboy for the Denver Nuggets. He’s done me a bunch of favors, at work and off, so I asked if he wanted to go.

“Can I get back to you on it?”

I had a flash of brilliance. “Here, take the ticket, and if you don’t want to go, you can pass it along.” I gave him a few hints, and dusted my hands of responsibility. If he decides not to attend, *he* can chop the proverbial baby in half.

Off work for the day, I went downtown. I walked all over, enjoying the beautiful evening. I almost walked to the Rose Quarter, and would have if I’d left earlier. Instead, I scored a highly caffeinated beverage and caught an uncrowded bus to the backside of the Rose Garden.

I knew the seats were up high, but good lord! I gazed into the far upper corner of the arena, took a deep breath and began the ascent.

My co-worker had already arrived. We were two rows from the very top, in the corner, and yet they were pretty good seats. (I’m absolutely, positively bringing binoculars next time.) Our section was full of KUFO listeners, the beer and tattoo crowd well-represented. Just before game time, a couple of shifty characters and a pretty lady took their seats in front of us. Thanks to internet photos, I recognized the shifties. It was Cort and Fatboy! I figured they’d get 100 level seats at least, but no! They were up there with us, the common man. As people in the section figured out who they were, they graciously handled interruptions and introductions. I held back, figuring I’d have an opportunity to thank Fatboy over the next couple of hours.

I spent the first part of the first quarter getting up and down, letting people out to run back and forth to the beer garden/bathroom. I was tempted to tell one fella, “Dude, if you drink regular beer instead of light beer, you could cut your trips by 200%.” But I held my tongue. (Besides, I got a lapdance from his girlfriend every time they came and went.) I text-messaged my Blazer buddy a couple of times with the whole ‘wish you were here’ thingy. With all due respect to my co-worker, I’d rather be rubbing her leg than his.

I loved Storm Large’s rendition of Ballroom Blitz, featuring Stephanie from the local band Kleveland. It brought the crowd to life.

The game had its high points, covered by media of various sorts. Some of the stuff you didn’t see? The giant inflatable Ford Escort that floats around the Garden, dropping gym passes on the lower levels. A little kid behind us said, “Look Dadddy, that car is pooping envelopes!”

One thing I found disturbing: During a commercial break, mascot Blaze went into the stands with a bouquet of heart-shaped balloons and a cake, presumably to share some Valentine love. As everyone followed the action on the Jumbotron, Blaze went up to an unsuspecting lady and handed her the balloons. While she stared, slackjawed in disbelief, Blaze hit her full-on in the face with the cake. It was big and messy, and the crowd gasped. I hope this event was staged. Even if it was, it came off as cruel. If not staged? I hope she dumps the m***erf***er and he lives a sexless life. He will if he keeps that up!

I also witnessed what may be a first: A large contingent of fans from Seattle coming to the Rose Garden to root for the Blazers! Actually, they weren’t so much rooting for the Blazers as rooting against the OKie Dokies. Apparently some guy named Clay Bennet really did something to piss off Seattleites. (Anybody up on this?) After the game, as people milled around for their free Chalupa, the yellow-shirts paraded around the main concourse of the Garden, chanting taunts and insults. In good fun, of course.

Speaking of Chalupas, that was the biggest source of drama. It took the Blazers an eternity to get that vital two points, and the crowd screamed with delight when we passed the 100-point mark. Phew! A riot would have ensued.

At halftime, I got to speak with Bob ‘Fatboy’ Roberts. He’s as genuine in person as he comes off on the radio, which seems rare in my experience. He knows his B-ball as well. I’ll have a few factoids to spit out the next time I watch a game with my Blazer buddy.

In all, a wonderful way to spend a work night. I want to thank Cort and Fatboy for pulling strings to get me into the game, and to my co-worker for helping me with office politics.

Oh, and the picture of Rudy. Ole!

Ford Escorts weren’t the only things flying in the Garden last night.

Related Posts

• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• October 27, 2009 -- OurPDX shared links for October 26th (0)
• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)
• June 30, 2009 -- A long time ago, in a multiplex far away… (4)
• April 27, 2009 -- March of the… Lebowskis? (0)

I’m a bit honked off at my favorite radio station.

Since it came on the air in 1990, I have listened to KUFO 101.1. It’s hard-edged knucklehead rock with a tinge of juvenile humor. I’ve seen the DJs come and go, and am rarely happy when they go. (I’m still holding a grudge against Howard Stern for killing The Bill Prescott Show, for example.) I’ve listened long enough that I take it personally when I feel I’ve been wronged. Brace yourselves: Grown man whining ahead…

I *love* the Cort and Fatboy Show. Cort has been at the station since he interned during the Prescott years, evolving into a fine host in his own right. Sidekicks have come and gone, but the addition of Bob ‘Fatboy’ Roberts was genius. They have great rapport, the conversation flows with laughs aplenty. I preferred when they were on later at night, but am glad they survived the recent round of job cuts. Early afternoon is better than not at all, right? I consider it my favorite radio show.

I enjoy their call-in participation events and radio games. My favorite game is Stump the Movie Douche. Briefly, you pick two actors in a movie, if Fatboy can’t name the movie you win a prize. I’ve stumped him a couple times, and been slaughtered mercilessly other times. Last night, I stumped him.

And he hung up on me.

Fatboy has several rules, the one that grinds on him most is violating ‘the spirit of the game.’ Coming at him with Erica Hubbard & Leonardo Nam? You’d get a “Who the hell are they?” followed by severe mocking when you gave the answer. Confusing a black actor? HONK! Wrong! (Someone once mistook Robert Guiallaume for Sidney Poitier.) Don’t even think about using a Larry the Cable Guy movie.

He also hates vanity stumps, just beating him for the thrill of it. He will ask you outright if you want the prize if he’s unable to come up with the answer. Knowing all this, I try to save a couple of impossible-to-get submissions for when I really want the prize. (Last win? NIN tickets!) Last night’s booty? Tickets to an upcoming Trainblazer game with Cort and Fatboy themselves.

I wanted those tickets. BAD! I dialed, got through on the first try, and was thrilled when they picked up immediately. The conversation went something like this:

“Stump… the movie douche!”

“I have Laura Dern and Diane Lane.”

“Wild at Heart!” sang out Fatboy.

“Uh, no Fatboy, Diane Lane. L-A-N-E. Diane Ladd is Laura Dern’s mother. Diane Lane and Laura Dern were in-”

“Gotta GO!” They hung up on me.

It was like a knife plunged into my heart. They wouldn’t even give me time to explain about Ladies and Gentlemen: The Fabulous Stains, and how Diane Lane and Laura Dern were so young, and Laura Dern fought for emancipation to be in the film because MOM Diane Ladd thought she was too young to be doing that sort of thing. I was also going to point out the very young Ray Winstone as an angsty punk rocker/love interest of Diane Lane’s character.

The snappishness of Fatboy’s retort made me think of Ray Winstone’s line in The Departed. “Cranberry juice? What is it, your period?”

So, yeah, I was bummed about missing out on the Blazer tickets. (I have a friend who has taken me to a couple of games, and I wanted to repay the favor. Besides being hard to get, Blazer tix are expensive!) Mostly, I was crushed at being so casually dismissed.

I realize the point of the whole thing is to make entertaining radio, and I was trying to do my part. The fact that I got through in the first place to win a prize I absolutely wanted and righteously won was at once exhilarating and then deflating. I was edited out of the aired segment, like it never happened. I felt betrayed. Can I get a flock of wah-wahs here?

Fatboy, you make a big deal about people mixing up their black actors. Perhaps there should be a rule about mixing up hottie-white-girl-actresses as well?

Will I hold a grudge? Nah, I can’t seem to listen to any other station for more than an hour before the need for cookie-monster rock arises. Did I rebel? Absolutely. I boycotted the rest of the show, deciding to see what other options were out there. I ended up on 97.1 Charlie, where at least I get to hear my name on the radio. The music? Well… the first song was Kid Rock’s Cowboy. I heard Metallica’s Enter Sandman, along with Cheap Trick. A co-worker remarked that he never thought he’d see the day he’d find me jamming to The Bee Gees. (I had to tell the story of the time I went joy-riding while listening to the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever. Hmm… future Douche question forming…) I heard Supertramp’s Breakfast in America, which was in heavy rotation when I got my first apartment thirty years ago. I had to retreat when We Are Family came on.

So, KUFO? I’m mad at you, but I’ll get over it. (I’m pouring a glass of cranberry juice as I write this.) It’s funny how personally I’m taking this, but radio is like that. It starts to feel like they’re talking to you, and that they are your friend. I’ve talked to Cort and Fatboy several times, on-air and off, and they are always nice. Sorry I pissed you off, Fatboy, but the idea of the game *is* to stump you.

Want to make it better? I’ve given up on the thought of actually going to the ballgame with you guys, much as I’d like to. But what you could do? Quit playing that GODDAMNED OFFSPRING SONG every hour! I heard it six times the other day. You would not believe how quickly I can find the off-switch on the radio.

Otherwise, we cool…

Update: Fatboy has since e-mailed me, and all is well in radio nirvana. I do, however, reserve the right to eviscerate him with a future stump. I’m saving it for the next time Tool goes on tour…

Update II: Redemption! Just got another e-mail from Fatboy. I’ve been granted tickets, and will get to go to the game. They are gentlemen and scholars! (I should quit calling them names, huh?)

Thank you for reaffirming my allegiance to KUFO.

Related Posts

• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)
• June 30, 2009 -- A long time ago, in a multiplex far away… (4)
• December 9, 2008 -- Radio Waves (3)
• January 8, 2010 -- The Button Man (1)

I was surfing the Internet to find some things to do this weekend, and thought it might be fun to share some of them.

I’ve always had an affinity for witches. When I was a kid, I was pretending to be Wonder Woman in my Wonder Woman underoos and tripped on a piece of shag carpeting, flew through the room and hit my front tooth on a Radio Flyer wagon. Reasons for a large, red wagon being in the house and my mother letting me pretend to be flying an invisible plane be what they may, the impact killed my front tooth. It turned it black until it fell out, which also means I got to be a witch every year for Halloween since I didn’t have to color my tooth.

All that aside, I noticed that the Lakewood Center for the Arts is opening Bell, Book and Candle this weekend, a story about a witch that eventually lead to the series Bewitched. Who doesn’t love Samantha? And who doesn’t want to wiggle their nose and have the dishes be done?

In the ‘economy-sucks-and-I-need-something-fun-and-free-to-go-to’ category, KUFO’s John Cort and Fatboy are hosting the final season of Battlestar Galactica at the Bagdad every Friday, January 16 through March 10 at 10 p.m. And it’s free. FREE, I tell you! The ‘Frak’ party even headlined Wired’s blog today.

Animal Lovers Category: Dogs, dogs and more dogs! It’s the Rose City Classic at the Expo Center. The last time I went, I swear, I saw a scene out of my favorite Christopher Guest movie Best in Show. Better yet, if you haven’t seen the movie, rent it. Then go. Then find the owners who are looking for their Busy Bee.

Big-time Music: Floater is playing on Friday at the Crystal Ballroom and Fountains of Wayne are playing at the Wonder Ballroom. Small-time music: My DJ friend Cory-O is throwing a show with some of his friends on Saturday, Jan. 17 at Rotture, 315 SE 3rd Ave. I haven’t been, but I know that Cory-O throws one heck of a show.

In the future weekend plans category: I’ve recently been trying to make sourdough bread. I baked my first loaf, and it was, um, well, a little solid. Then I tried the no knead bread recipe. Fail. So, I was looking around the internet for a “Bread-for-Dummies” book when I found the Basics of Baking class at Lost Arts Kitchen, but it was full. So plan ahead, their next class for bread baking is February 7, but they have lots of other classes.

Doing something fun this weekend? Feel free to share in the comments of the post.

Related Posts

• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• October 27, 2009 -- OurPDX shared links for October 26th (0)
• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)
• June 30, 2009 -- A long time ago, in a multiplex far away… (4)
• April 27, 2009 -- March of the… Lebowskis? (0)

In the fickle world of radio, change happens at breakneck speed, often without mercy. Yesterday the hatchet of death reached across the country, and heads rolled.

I’ve been listening to KUFO (101.1 FM) since the beginning. As in the very beginning. I was up at midnight when KRCK (?) officially went away, and the new call letters and format were announced. “Circling high… over planet Earth…” It played a mix of classic rock with newer stuff, leaving Steve Miller and Bob Seger to the left of the dial. Over time, the music got harder, and the personalities more engaging. Being a fan of knucklehead cookie monster rock, it became *my* station.

Before Howard Stern came along and f*cked everything up, I’d get up in the middle of my night (early morning) to listen to the Bill Prescott Show. A mix of comedy, commentary, news and rock & roll, it set the tone for my wacky-ass day. I’d call in, enter the contests, play the games. I had several audio cassettes of me making a fool of myself. Bill brought in famed Los Angeles DJ Tawn Mastery, oh she of teh sexxy voice. Luscious!

There was a kid in the background, an intern. Cort Webber. He inadvertently gave me the answer to a contest one day:

Bill P.: “Cort, what’s the question?!”

Cort: “Brett Favre!”

Bill P.: “No, the question…”

I won the contest…

One night KUFO had a meet and greet at the sports bar around the corner from where I lived. I went, and got an autographed postcard from Cort and Tawn. Cort looks so darling in his Chris Isaak hairdo. I still have it somewhere.

Howard Stern came along and took over the morning. I still haven’t forgiven him for killing off my favorite radio show. But if there was a bright side, Cort kept his job as an intern. He started working with Craig the Dog-Faced Boy and Pork Chop. This evolved into an evening slot with Boomer. For whatever reason Boomer disappeared, and soon there was a NKOTB.

Enter Bob ‘Fatboy’ Roberts. (Well, don’t literally enter Fatboy Roberts. I don’t think he’d like that. “Oh, Voltron!…) He brought a snappy wit and an intelligence that compliments Cort’s everyman demeanor, without curbing the sophomoric spirit of the show(s). He started my favorite radio contest, Stump the Movie Douche. (Fatboy being the douche.) You name two actors in a movie, if he doesn’t guess the movie, you win a prize. (Robin Williams and Florence Henderson* won me Nine Inch Nails tickets!)

Thunderdome? It’s a weekly chance to hear your own voice on the radio. It’s a simple call-in, voting for your favorite of two songs; brownie points if you can crack up the DJs. Some are better at it than others, ahem.

I got to work yesterday and turned on the radio, surprised to hear Cort’s voice in the afternoon. WTF? I kept shushing co-workers and soon got the details. Marconi had been fired/laid off, and the Cort and Fatboy Show has been moved to the afternoon.

While I wish Marconi all the best, I’m glad ‘my boys’ made the cut. It’s gonna be a little weird hearing them first thing in my morning. They’re usually finishing up about the time I get off work; my time-space continuum is going to be a bit warped for a week or two.

The afternoon shift is probably great for them. Home with the spouses and kids at a reasonable hour. TV without TiVo. Have they hit the big-time?

I hope they don’t dilute the spirit of the show, although I don’t expect to hear the unedited version of Marilyn Manson’s Cake and Sodomy anytime soon. Oops! I bet they wish people would forget about that one. If the FCC comes calling, just blame Bozyk…

The afternoon will bring a fresh audience, I hope it’s a tolerant one. Cort has shown longevity, and Fatboy brings nothing but good things to the show. Yesterday they described themselves as “a Nuclear Cockroach and a Radioactive Twinkie.”

I certainly hope they are around that long.

*Shakes the Clown.

Related Posts

• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)
• June 30, 2009 -- A long time ago, in a multiplex far away… (4)
• February 5, 2009 -- Douchebaggery in the First Degree (5)
• January 8, 2010 -- The Button Man (1)

The work week is winding down, and I am grateful. It’s been one of those weeks, where it seems like full moon behavior even though that’s still a week away. Must be the onset of fall.

A friend sent me this link a while back, knowing I’d appreciate the behavior. While the behavior is typical year-round in my neighborhood, the outfit certainly isn’t. However, that particular outfit and I have a history…

A few years back, I won tickets to KUFO’s Paranormal Party. A gal-pal and I were spending virtually all our off-work time together, and she was my default date for just about everything. When I invited her, it wasn’t a case of “I have nothing to wear!” It was a case of “Which wacky outfit best fits this occasion?” Yep, she had that exact same cow costume. She looked so cute, bovine with bright pink pigtails.

Then there was me, looking fah-bulous dahling in my bright red muu-muu with red faux-pearls and Little Orphan Annie wig. (My red beard really brought the costume together.) Fortunately no pictures of that night exist. A co-worker has started a mini-urban legend, telling everyone it was a red tu-tu. No no no… Big difference between tu-tus and muu-muus! (Although the hilarity factor would have been through the roof, and I probably would have done it…) I cringe at the thought of my legacy as being similar to that of the hippo ballerina from ‘Jungle Book‘ Fantasia. I’m much more comfortable with a Bruce Vilanch image in people’s heads.

The night was fantastic. The Paranormal Party was held at the Crystal Ballroom, featuring all cover bands. (I especially liked the Iron Maidens, an all-girl tribute band. I’m hot for Steady Edith…) Time has erased most of the costumes from my memory, but another couple sticks in my mind. He was Tom Cruise from Risky Business. Necktie, sunglasses and tighty whities. (Truly risky business in the pink zone on a Saturday night.) The gal? She was a tall, busty gorgeous cavewoman, complete with Flintstones outfit and club. She followed me around the whole night, threatening to bonk me over the head and drag me back to her cave. I should have let her. But that would have meant leaving my date with an already mostly-undressed Tom Cruise lookalike, which I’m sure would have put off my date. (Yeah, right.)

Because we were busing, we left early. As we stumbled onto Burnside, a a fellow of temporary residence and questionable temperance approached us, asking for spare change. My date had a long overcoat covering her costume. She looked at him, opened her overcoat like a flasher, and showed him the udders, which were slung low and looked like, well, the Gattling gun of penises. The bum’s jaw dropped, he stumbled away muttering, probably looking desperately for a CHIERS wagon.

I will *not* be in drag this year. (My costume is Top Secret Clown Business this time around.) How about you? Any good costume ideas, stories? Christmas season starts in a couple weeks, so let us make the most of Halloween! It falls on a Friday night this year.

You can bet I’m gonna be downtown…

Related Posts

• November 1, 2009 -- The Boogeyman Redux (0)
• October 29, 2009 -- The New KUFO: Cue Tool’s Eulogy… (9)
• October 27, 2009 -- Splendor on a Gloomy Monday (2)
• October 27, 2009 -- OurPDX shared links for October 26th (0)
• October 23, 2009 -- Say The Call Letters Backward (9)