Perhaps it was the full moon last night, but Jeez-Looo-weeez, what a bunch of friggin’ animals…porn obsessed infants…inconsiderate, selfish, speed addicted parade of white trash douchebags….the bad ones know who they are and the good ones (like the lovely young couple who needed my advice on some toys for kinky experimentation…) were just few and far between tonight. Actually, we needed the whole damn Karma SWAT Team to raid the place tonight and arrest everybody….and I know you might be thinking…”Awww come on Wizard Boots….aren’t you being a bit harsh?” NO! I’m not. I don’t have time to deal with grown adults who don’t seem to have a single clue on how to behave in public. What the hell? Actually as I type this, a very nice gentleman just came in, picked out a big ol’ sex device and some lube, complimented the music I had playing (which happened to be Yes), paid for his stuff and left without incident…..what was so hard about that?…..can’t all of you pornfreaks learn from this guy?….now someone else just tipped me….dammit…I’ve gotta stay pissed off so I can finish this….ok, a well known repeat offender douchebag just walked in, so I know it’s not over….

My main complaint of this evening is directed towards the porn store patrons who don’t understand the concept of tipping. You tip your waitstaff, bartenders and strippers….but to hell with the lowly porn store clerk? When you’re making unreasonable requests and I’m doing my best to give you what you want….throw a dollar in the damn tip jar or fuck off….your 2 hour preview is getting cut off at 1 hour and 59 minutes you cheap ass bastard….and no you can’t have a few extra minutes….I didn’t realize we were such good friends.

And…… the solid gold douchebag award for biggest douche of the night (this is quite an honor, considering the extreme magnitude of douchebaggery tonight…) goes to….the guy who left his big, beautiful and well trained dog all alone out in front of the store while he went carousing around back in the spank tank. The dog stayed put for awhile and then wandered outside on the sidewalk….then back inside to look at me for a bit and then through the damn store. Any number of things could have happened to this poor animal and people like you sir shouldn’t be allowed to own one….so congratulations…you’re the biggest douche of the night! Hooray for you!

Are things winding down here at 6am? Hell no. I just heard a nice loud spank coming from the back….probably the couple who went back there a few minutes ago (who are most probably under the influence of some heavy duty trucker speed….). Oh, you kids….don’t make me come back there…

DVD title of the night? So many good ones, but surely it’s gotta be this one: “Milf and Chocolate”

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I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m quite the DJ….this is the freaky porno sex shop where your experience is enhanced sonically.  Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I have quite the unhealthy obsession with music and I haul a back pack full of groovy booty bombs in here every damn night I’m working.   The nightcrawling pervs who frequent this place are always vocal about their appreciation for my choice in tunes.  What’s my secret?  I always know the perfect song for any given moment.  Like right now…..3:46am…..of course it’s got to be “Western Exterminator” by RTX.   The rest of tonight’s set has been pretty wild…..we started off all dark and evil with some random tracks from Danzig and then took a harsh left turn for some of Frank Zappa’s “Weasels Ripped My Flesh“…..getting back to the rawk, this palace of paraphrenalia was then treated to Fu Manchu’s entire fuzzed out monster “In Search Of….“.  That one worked really well with the remastered silent German vampire film “Nosferatu” playing on the monitors….sort of an alternate soundtrack.  Somewhere in there I had a Red Bull and pulled the ripcord on a brilliant pair of punk records back to back…..”Frankenchrist” by The Dead Kennedys and “Big Lizard In My Backyard” by The Dead Milkmen…..my two favorite dead bands.  One guy was on his way out and said “Man, the music has been really great tonight….thanks for that.” dropping a bunch of ones in my tipjar.  That made me feel good…..I should do this professionally or something.   Right now Nosferatu is chewing up the crew of the ship to the eerie clatter of The Pain Teens “Stimulation Festival“.   Brilliant.

DVD title of the week?  “Asses of Face Destruction 4“

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Last night I went to the Portland premier of The Auteur at Cinema 21. With a red carpet rollout and the March Forth band on hand, it was truly an amazing event. I mean, it was like a total circus with both sides of the street filled from Gypsy to Muu-Muu’s

I'm pretty sure that's Katherine Flynn, who plays love interest Fiona

From the creators of Film Geek comes THE AUTEUR – a mélange of romantic comedy and raunchy satire set in the world of adult film. Director James Westby’s THE AUTEUR is the story of renowned porn director Arturo Domingo (Melik Malkasian), the creative genius behind classics like Five Easy Nieces and Requiem for a Wet Dream, who has arrived in Portland, Oregon to receive a Lifetime Achievement award at a film festival. Arturo is delighted at the prospect of reviving his sagging career, yet troubled that fate would lead him to the hometown of his only true love, Fiona (Katherine Flynn). Encountering crazed fans, former collaborators, bitter enemies, and free-loving hippies, we follow Arturo as he frantically attempts to raise money for the film that could put him back on top: Gang Bangs of New York.

Go see The Auteur! The belly laughs will be yours. From the opening shot where they drive over the Fremont Bridge to a stoner trip to Beaverton, no movie has captured PDX quite this way before.

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WARNING: This episode of Strange Love Live contains explicit content.

Friday night the Strange Love studio played host to two very sexy guests and one very sexy audience member… As stunning as they all were to look at, their real sex appeal on Friday was their calm frankness in discussing sex. There were so many topics that we didn’t cover I think we’ll have to do this all again in a few months if the girls are up for it. Join Cami Kaos, Melissa Lion, Missburrows and KamBam (and the occasional peep from DrNormal) and listen in on nearly 2 hours of girl talk about sex.

As always you can listen to the show here, download it, subscribe or pick us up on iTunes so you can always be the first to know when we’ve released a new episode…

***

Join us Friday October 24th at 10 PM for another episode of Strange Love Live. Next week we welcome back music man John Borroz. We’ll talk about the album he and DrNormal are working on and no doubt hear a few more stories about the Portland music scene in days gone by.

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Ahhhhh another wild weekend of wandering drunks and social misfits who have not a single clue regarding ways to behave in public.  Yes, I’m talking about you, roving group of a-holes stumbling in from one of the many nearby bars around 2:30 in the morning.  “Hey, the bars are all closed…..let’s go engage in the loudest, most obnoxious jackassery that we can achieve….and let’s do it at that porn shop!”  I wasn’t trying to be rude, but technically you weren’t customers since none of you bought anything…..and I’d had a bike crash that day and was just mellowing out on vicodin, trying to make it through the night.  Here’s the transcript:

Them:  (Unintelligible mix of drunken voices) “Rabblerabbleblahblah….dildo…..blah….blah….duh.”

Me:  (Fairly loud) “Hey…..excuse me……I’m not trying to watch a movie or anything”

Them: (Even LOUDER mix of drunken voices) “Derpdederpdederp…….ANALBLAH-DE-BLAH-ANAL-BLAH!!!”

Me:  (As loud as I get) “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

They left in a huff, but a relatively peaceful huff.   Seriously, I hope all of you made it safely back to the suburbs of Vancouver, and I hope you enjoy the Nickelback concert.

Then there’s the many anonymous callers we get throughout the weekend nights, teenagers usually…..attempting phone pranks, but who are almost always too drunk/stoned and/or stupid to come up with any good material.   Here’s a good one from last night:

Me:  “Blankity-Blank Video”

Drunk/Mentally Challenged Young Man: (Slurring badly) “Do you have….butt sex?”  (other drunk/mentally challenged youths laughing in the background)

Me: “Wow.  That’s clever.  Did you think that one up all by yourself dipshit?”

D.M.C.Y.M. : (Gets angry/slurring intensifies) “FUCK YOU FAGGOT!!!”

Me: “Hey, just because I let your dad blow me…..doesn’t necessarily make me gay.”

Imagine that.  Gay bashed without the benefits.  I feel cheated.  Just keep those calls coming kiddies.  I’m quicker/wiser/smarter and infinitely funnier than you’ll ever be…..even on vicodin.

Best video title of the week?  A transgender gang bang flick called “Three Men And A Maybe”.

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It seemed very strange being in the store on a Thursday afternoon, since I’m usually only in there all night on weekends.  All the Portlanders are freaking out that it hit 100 degrees today…..me, being from Texas….not so much.  Still….100 degree weather does fry some freaky behaviour out of some, and the lovely perverts of PDX obviously weren’t in the mood to disappoint me on this night.

She stumbled in out of the night, all black hair and pale white skin….a beautiful trainwreck of a lady.   Not sure what she was on or if she was just drunk but her shirt was unbuttoned all the way down to the bottom two and one of her ample breasts was completely exposed.  I thought about pointing this out to her, but then I reconsidered.  A breast?  In this palace of perversion?  Oh dang.

A lot of the other women who literally fall through the front door seem much further beyond all hope than this one…..she was rough for sure, but not too fargone plus she seemed very comfortable with herself and the world around her.  Still, I could see that she was actually very pretty underneath whatever had happened to her tonight……made me a little bit sad.

Anyways…..after showing her a variety of devices (which I am becoming increasingly and disturbingly an expert on), she settled on a bottle of “Liquid Virgin”, a lubricant with a chemical in it that causes the vagina to contract down to roughly half it’s size.   She wanted to preview a DVD in one of the private viewing rooms and I swear that the woman on the cover of the movie she chose was in fact…..her.  I could be wrong, but very few things suprise or shock me during porn duty anymore.

Not sure if it was the heat, but it’s surely going to get weirder over the next few nights.  Full moon ahead.  Vampires……werewolves……fetishists……oh my.

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Surviving as an artist/musician/whatever over the years has never been a financially lucrative venture.  This is where the dreaded “day job” comes into play….a necessary pain in the ass that pays the rent and other expenses.  However, being a fairly wild and untamed free spirit, I tend to go after the more unusual employment opportunities….jobs that give me a chance to have those bizarre experiences that make great stories and can even occasionally become songs.  Last year while working as a camera/prompter operator for a live tv news show in Northwest Arkansas, I learned about a strange tradition in the small mountain town Eureka Springs where every holiday season, someone steals the Baby Jesus from the downtown nativity scene.  After properly absorbing this situation, I got right to work and wrote the song “Who Snatched The Baby Jesus?” which continues to be one of the most requested in the Wizard Boots repertoire.  See how that works?  I did another one about a news anchor at our rival station across town….I had a bit of a thing for her…..even got to get her a copy of it through one of their producers….but alas…never got to even meet her face to face.  BUT the song is still out there and I’m sure she still secretly fantasizes about the wizard….or maybe I just fantasize about her fantasizing about me.  Anyway….a career with great pay and benefits is fine, but I’d much rather have a job where drinking and having sex on the clock aren’t necessarily frowned upon and I might even get the opportunity to use a flamethrower.

Since relocating to Oregon a few months ago I’ve taken on several odd jobs that have all worked out well, but the one everyone always wants to hear about is my weekend graveyard shift at a 24 hour adult video store/sex shop.  I’m in there, usually all by myself from around 11pm until 7am providing cheerful service to whomever or whatever happens to wander in off the streets of sleazy Southeast Portland.   Actually wander is probably the wrong choice of words….we don’t really get alot of wanderers.  Most of the clientele have very specific intentions when they come in…..some a bit too specific…..gotta draw the line when getting propositioned by dirty old men.

So the purpose of this blog will be a documentation of what’s going on out there in your fine city while you’re probably sleeping.  And since something really funny/sad/twisted/disgusting happens just about every night I work….there’ll be no shortage of material.  So….without further adieu, let’s kick this off with The Tale of The Burrito Queen.

She walked in alone….I was alone….and without any sort of introduction or small talk she got right to the point.

Her:  “Do you want to have sex?”

Me:  (after a long thoughtful pause) “Well….I’m kind of working right now.”

Her:  “I can see that, but……do you want to have sex?”

Now she wasn’t unattractive….not really my type but certainly not unattractive.  The thing was….she was munching down on a massive burrito while trying to secure my services and something about the way the words “Do you want to have sex?” sound coming out through a mouthful of chewed up beef, cheese and lettuce…..it just doesn’t sound as appealing.  So I went with me gut on this one.

Me: “Ummmmm…..not particularly no.

Her: (shrugging unfazed) “OK….I had to ask.”

At least once a night in there I say to myself, “My mom would be so proud of me…if she could only see me right now.”  This was the one time I wasn’t being sarcastic.

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Have you ever been on MAX reading the WWeek or The Portland Mercury and get to the back pages and quickly close the paper so it doesn’t appear you are looking at PORN?  The pages in question are those advertising dating and escort services with bright color pictures displaying everything but the kitchen sink.  Heck, just holding the Mercury displays the latest American Apparel risque ad on the back cover for all to peruse.  Does this make one a pervert? a cad?  Nah.  Not your fault right?  You’re just reading a paper that is supported by what some in the community would refer to as immoral businesses.

But it brings up a different question in my mind.  I have been on MAX reading an engrossing graphic novel when I turn the page, suddenly there is a very graphic sex scene all layed out across two pages.  This graphic novel isn’t titled “Billy and Sue have sex.”  It is more of a story arc involving demons, zombies, heroes and villains…oh, and a sex scene.  Think of how I felt sitting there on MAX between two elderly women turning the page to expose PORN.  It was kinda weird.  I didn’t want to censor myself, but I also had that feeling of not wanting to offend anyone or start a scene.  Yet, I thought to myself, am I doing anything wrong here?  The answer is no. I then thought – could I read Playboy or Penthouse openly on the train?  Why not?  Granted, one would probably get some looks if you opened up the centerfold fully and began ooing and awwing, but heck, you read Playboy for the articles right?

I’m flying across the nation next weekend and will be taking my laptop.  On the last flight, I watched a couple of movies while cramped between other fliers in the middle seat.  One of those movies – Beerfest – (a favorite of mine) – was the unrated version with a couple of gratuitous naked scenes.  All of this splashed on a 14″ screen for anyone to see if they wanted.  Another movie had some serious violence and gore.  Is it my responsibility to censor myself in public situations or is that my personal space where I should have the right to listen to and watch whatever I want?  Granted, I’m not going to watch any hardcore German goat porn. Don’t want to be engaged by any TSA individuals.  But what if I wanted to watch Top Gun – that scene between Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis is pretty steamy.

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