Hey folks.

So yes… been gone a spell. Honestly, I’d LOVE to do as kick-ass a post as MediaChick did, but I can’t be as cool as she is.

The truth is, I had to take some personal time. I’ve had some issues that needed dealing with. As a result, I had to take some time off of my writing and focus. I still have work to do, but I feel like I’m far enough along to where I can come back to y’all and let the advice flow. And flow it shall. During my hiatus, I took time to think about what got me into writing (and, of course, OurPDX) in the first place. So I wandered about online and looked back at the various writing projects I had out there. I thought about what made me happiest and what pushed me to work on my writing. I then realized that the answer was right in front of me the whole time…

My friends, I’ve got to be Deviant.

So let’s let me crack open a Drop Top Ale and rifle through the mailbag and let’s see if I can point some wayward soul in the right direction…

Dear PDX Advice Guy.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. The world just seems crazy. Scandals everywhere, insane world events, dumb politics. What’s a dude in Portland to do so he can forget about the insanity?

- KH, Hillsboro

KH, let’s just get right down to it. Life sucks. On occasion, it even blows. Not in the good way either, it just really really blows. It makes you want to just give up and descend into an endless hell of “Scrubs” reruns and wondering why the hell Ryan fucking Reynolds keeps making movie after movie while you toil in obscurity. So sit back, relax, and let’s make it better.

Step 1. Go get drunk. And I don’t mean just drink, I mean blind, stinking, “good god, did I almost get arrested at a petting zoo last night?” drunk. Thankfully, Portland’s a town chock full o’ great microbrews and microbreweries. Even luckier, you’ve got The Green Dragon. Even more luckierer, you can swing by Friday to enjoy the OurPDX Anniversary Party. At least, the first part of it. The second part will, of course, be an authors-only event at Strange Love Live. I have a doctor appointment at 3, but will certainly be busting my ass to get out to the Green Dragon in order to Beer and Blog it up! Then I’ll be heading over to the SLL studios to be a part of the studio audience, unless I get absolutely HAMMERED enough to get on camera.

Please note, by “hammered” I mean “diabetic hammered,” which involves me drinking at least two 20 ounce Dr Peppers. My god, I’m an animal.

So after you’ve managed to get more drunk that Dick Cheney during quail season, you’ve got to find a way to really unwind. Now, you all probably think I’m going to tell you to go out to a strip club, but I’ve already covered that. Nope, you need to take it up another notch. First off, why not go visit OurPDX’ good friend WizardBoots‘ illustrious job at the porn shop. Pick yourself up a couple of great flicks and settle in for a night of disgusting fun. Of course, man does not live by porn alone. You need food. Why not hit Whiffie’s Pies afterwards and help refuel for the night of rest you’ll need after drinking and porning your way through life’s little rough patch.

That’s it for now people. I’d write more, but I’ve got to grab some shut eye and get my beauty sleep so I’m all pretty for the crowd Friday night and the audience Friday nighter. And if you didn’t pick up on the subtletly earlier, why not join us at the OurPDX Anniversary party! Come on out and meet some of the illustrious folks who make this site such a great destination on the ole internets.

And yeah, I’ll be there too. Feel free to come tell me my advice sucks right to my face. If I’m diabetdrunk enough, I might just hug you and tell you I love you.

In the meantime, why not give me a follow on the ole Twitters? And maybe you’ve got yourself a situation that needs some advice? Why not drop me an email and let’s see what I can do for you.

Y’all be good now!

Related Posts

• November 10, 2009 -- Food Carts Portland on NBC Nightly News (3)
• August 24, 2009 -- SLL: Food Carts Portland (0)
• June 20, 2009 -- From Our Mailbox: Pedalpalooza Pie Champ Challenge 6/23 (2)
• June 7, 2009 -- Pie Champ 2.0 recap – what a night! (8)
• June 6, 2009 -- Tonight: Time To Eat Pie for Free Geek (3)

Perhaps it was the full moon last night, but Jeez-Looo-weeez, what a bunch of friggin’ animals…porn obsessed infants…inconsiderate, selfish, speed addicted parade of white trash douchebags….the bad ones know who they are and the good ones (like the lovely young couple who needed my advice on some toys for kinky experimentation…) were just few and far between tonight. Actually, we needed the whole damn Karma SWAT Team to raid the place tonight and arrest everybody….and I know you might be thinking…”Awww come on Wizard Boots….aren’t you being a bit harsh?” NO! I’m not. I don’t have time to deal with grown adults who don’t seem to have a single clue on how to behave in public. What the hell? Actually as I type this, a very nice gentleman just came in, picked out a big ol’ sex device and some lube, complimented the music I had playing (which happened to be Yes), paid for his stuff and left without incident…..what was so hard about that?…..can’t all of you pornfreaks learn from this guy?….now someone else just tipped me….dammit…I’ve gotta stay pissed off so I can finish this….ok, a well known repeat offender douchebag just walked in, so I know it’s not over….

My main complaint of this evening is directed towards the porn store patrons who don’t understand the concept of tipping. You tip your waitstaff, bartenders and strippers….but to hell with the lowly porn store clerk? When you’re making unreasonable requests and I’m doing my best to give you what you want….throw a dollar in the damn tip jar or fuck off….your 2 hour preview is getting cut off at 1 hour and 59 minutes you cheap ass bastard….and no you can’t have a few extra minutes….I didn’t realize we were such good friends.

And…… the solid gold douchebag award for biggest douche of the night (this is quite an honor, considering the extreme magnitude of douchebaggery tonight…) goes to….the guy who left his big, beautiful and well trained dog all alone out in front of the store while he went carousing around back in the spank tank. The dog stayed put for awhile and then wandered outside on the sidewalk….then back inside to look at me for a bit and then through the damn store. Any number of things could have happened to this poor animal and people like you sir shouldn’t be allowed to own one….so congratulations…you’re the biggest douche of the night! Hooray for you!

Are things winding down here at 6am? Hell no. I just heard a nice loud spank coming from the back….probably the couple who went back there a few minutes ago (who are most probably under the influence of some heavy duty trucker speed….). Oh, you kids….don’t make me come back there…

DVD title of the night? So many good ones, but surely it’s gotta be this one: “Milf and Chocolate”

Related Posts

• January 11, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries – It’s All About The Music Man… (4)
• August 6, 2008 -- Porn Shop Diaries – An Introduction (19)
• June 22, 2009 -- Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition! (2)
• April 7, 2009 -- Boots Across America… (2)
• April 1, 2009 -- Wizardboots’ triumphant return (2)

Wizardboots tour
Originally uploaded by dieselboi

As you know, our favorite Porn Shop Diaries author Wizardboots has been on a national tour the past two weeks. Motor did a wonderful interview with Mr. Boots last week and I have been following his adventures via his blog. Well, the 13 state tour with stops in Salt Lake City, Tulsa, Fort Smith AR, Dallas, Austin, Tuscon and other great cities is coming to an end tonight in Pacifica, CA San Francisco. And Wizardboots and his band are coming home.

BUT it isn’t truly the end of the tour. Wizardboots will be playing his final show of the “Boots up your America” tour at Kelly’s Olympian on Friday night. What a great way to wrap up a tour – in your home town.

So, put on your dancin’ boots and get ready for some great “freakpop,” as Mr. Boots puts it, and come on out to Kelly’s Olympian Friday night to welcome Wizardboots back to Portland.

Wizardboots
Kelly’s Olympian
426 SW Washington
Friday, April 3, 9pm

Related Posts

• June 22, 2009 -- Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition! (2)
• June 5, 2009 -- The Parade Haters Club (2)
• May 9, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries: Karma Police…I Need Backup! (1)
• April 7, 2009 -- Portland band “Blind Pilot” on NPR (2)
• January 11, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries – It’s All About The Music Man… (4)

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m quite the DJ….this is the freaky porno sex shop where your experience is enhanced sonically.  Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I have quite the unhealthy obsession with music and I haul a back pack full of groovy booty bombs in here every damn night I’m working.   The nightcrawling pervs who frequent this place are always vocal about their appreciation for my choice in tunes.  What’s my secret?  I always know the perfect song for any given moment.  Like right now…..3:46am…..of course it’s got to be “Western Exterminator” by RTX.   The rest of tonight’s set has been pretty wild…..we started off all dark and evil with some random tracks from Danzig and then took a harsh left turn for some of Frank Zappa’s “Weasels Ripped My Flesh“…..getting back to the rawk, this palace of paraphrenalia was then treated to Fu Manchu’s entire fuzzed out monster “In Search Of….“.  That one worked really well with the remastered silent German vampire film “Nosferatu” playing on the monitors….sort of an alternate soundtrack.  Somewhere in there I had a Red Bull and pulled the ripcord on a brilliant pair of punk records back to back…..”Frankenchrist” by The Dead Kennedys and “Big Lizard In My Backyard” by The Dead Milkmen…..my two favorite dead bands.  One guy was on his way out and said “Man, the music has been really great tonight….thanks for that.” dropping a bunch of ones in my tipjar.  That made me feel good…..I should do this professionally or something.   Right now Nosferatu is chewing up the crew of the ship to the eerie clatter of The Pain Teens “Stimulation Festival“.   Brilliant.

DVD title of the week?  “Asses of Face Destruction 4“

Related Posts

• May 9, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries: Karma Police…I Need Backup! (1)
• August 6, 2008 -- Porn Shop Diaries – An Introduction (19)
• June 22, 2009 -- Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition! (2)
• April 1, 2009 -- Wizardboots’ triumphant return (2)
• December 14, 2008 -- SLL: Blogging with Dieselboi… and beer (3)

On Friday night’s episode of SLL something amazing was accomplished. I tried more beer in one night than I have in my entire life. I am not a beer girl, but that didn’t stop me from inviting Portland Blogger and Home Brewer Dieselboi of OurPDX Network to join us. When he showed up 30 minutes before show time he was weighed down by a box full of brews and tasting cups ready to share what he had made and some of the knowledge he’s accumulated over the years. Knowledge of blogging and brewing.

Listen to the 30 minute Tech edition to find out how he got involved (and stayed involved) with the Portland blogging scene and let him tell you a bit about beer in general and one of the IPA’s he made in specific.

SLL Episode 63: Blogger Dieselboi of OurPDX.net

And then we have the NSFW afterhours that finds us tasting several more beers with Dieselboi and our studio audience, Betsy, Aaron, MediaChick & WiazardBoots. After chatting about blogging and Portland a bit and tasting even more beer we cap the whole thing off by killing the classic song Frosty the Snow Man… sometimes it’s hard to admit you don’t know all the words.

SLL episode 64: Afterhours with Dieselboi… and beer

You can listen to the shows here, download them, subscribe or pick us up on iTunes so you can always be the first to know when we’ve released a new episode…

***

Join us Friday December 19th at 10 PM with guest Craig Schwartz of Toonlet. If you’ve never used Toonlet you’re probably living under a rock, it’s a favorite of the whole Kaos family (especially my dad). We were lucky enough to have Craig on the show via skype once before, so we’re really excited to get him into the studio and onto the couch for a full episode and afterhours. I have so many things to ask him…

You may have noticed I didn’t mention that you can watch us live on ustream at 10 PM… Well that’s because we’re moving away from ustream to a place that hopefully will be a happier home for us. Please join us live at 10 PM on Mogulus. We’re just settling in over there so if you’ve been with us for a while let us know how it compares to the streaming quality we had in the past.

Related Posts

• December 10, 2008 -- StrangeLove Live with Dieselboi and Beer on Friday (1)
• November 10, 2009 -- Food Carts Portland on NBC Nightly News (3)
• September 21, 2009 -- SLL: Martini Lesson for Matt Mullenweg (2)
• August 17, 2009 -- SLL: WordcampPdx 2009, Urban Airship and PIE (0)
• March 29, 2009 -- SLL: Reid Beels: Man of Many Hats (0)

As you know, Mr. Wizardboots dabbles in music, movie making and…well…sometimes porn.  Wizardboots wrote a song awhile back chronicling a dastardly act happening in Eureka Springs, AR, which is close to his hometown.  Every Christmas, it has become a tradition that someone steals the baby Jesus from the city’s nativity scene in downtown.  One year, it was a grandmother who eventually ended up on David Letterman.

To get you into the Christmas spirit, here’s Wizardboots and his band performing Who Snatched The Baby Jesus live at the Ash. St. Saloon in Portland in November.

Thanks, Wizardboots for getting us in the holiday spirit.

Related Posts

• June 22, 2009 -- Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition! (2)
• May 9, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries: Karma Police…I Need Backup! (1)
• April 1, 2009 -- Wizardboots’ triumphant return (2)
• January 11, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries – It’s All About The Music Man… (4)
• December 14, 2008 -- SLL: Blogging with Dieselboi… and beer (3)

The lovelies at StrangeLove Live have been gracious enough to invite me to be a guest on their show this Friday evening.  I’m so excited.  Guess what the topic is?  BEER!  And Beer brewing.  See, I dabble in a little homebrew, beer tasting, giving pub crawls around town and am even in a beer judging class, so essentially, I’m a beer guy.

The format will be to go live at 10pm with the lovely hosts Cami Kaos and Dr. Normal and be seriously  discussing all things beer.  We will even be doing some tasting of my own personal homebrews – Wizardboots’ Mayhem (an American Strong Ale,) Montana St. Super IPA (8oz of hops,) and Homegrown Ale (made with hops grown in my front yard.)  We may even have some other styles to try in order for the hosts and studio audience to get a feel of what’s out there.  Then after hours, all bets are off.  There may even be some caroling.

So, come on out and watch StrangeLove Live on Friday night @10pm.

Related Posts

• December 14, 2008 -- SLL: Blogging with Dieselboi… and beer (3)
• September 28, 2009 -- SLL: Wiki with Steven Walling (0)
• September 7, 2009 -- SLL: There’s TV On The Internets? (0)
• September 2, 2009 -- SLL: The One Where We’re Creative (0)
• August 9, 2009 -- SLL: Turoczy and the Tiara of Truth (0)

Fwd: an image…
Originally uploaded by dieselboi

If you missed our crazy author Wizardboots‘ weekend performances, you can still catch him Tuesday evening at Mississippi Pizza.

Wizardboots is plowing ahead in the Portland music scene like a Texas cyclone. He wants to be your master. The set at Mississippi Pizza will mostly be acoustic and may include some new tunes.

Wizardboots is playing a free show Tuesday evening at Mississippi Pizza from 6-8pm.

Related Posts

• June 29, 2008 -- Wizardboots’ Portland debut (3)
• November 16, 2009 -- SLL: Duo Chronicles (0)
• October 27, 2009 -- Splendor on a Gloomy Monday (2)
• July 1, 2009 -- The South Park Blocks (1)
• June 22, 2009 -- Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition! (2)

wizardboots
Originally uploaded by dieselboi

There is a new up and coming locale in NE Portland that has the beginnings of the next N Mississippi or NE Alberta. I don’t believe the area yet has a hipster name like NoPo or LoBu, but it will soon. I’m talking about the neighborhood around NE Dekum just east of NE MLK Blvd.

As a transitioning neighborhood, it is just starting to become a hub for new small businesses. I understand there is a pizza place, a deli, maybe a couple of artists’ studios. I’m here to tell you about Village Ballroom.

Village Ballroom is just that – a ballroom. This Friday though, instead of renting it out to a wedding or Bar Mitzvah, the ballroom is hosting a new music event. Our own Porn Diaries blogger Wizardboots is scheduled to perform hit unique style of folk. I also understand there will be cheap drinks. I know you just love live music if there are cheap drinks.

If you’re in the mood, head on out to NE and check out the Village Ballroom and Wizardboots (along with 2 other bands.) Be sure to introduce yourself, as Mr Boots loves to meet new people. Show starts @ 7pm and is FREEEEEEE.

Village Ballroom
700 NE Dekum

Related Posts

• June 22, 2009 -- Dear PDX Advice Guy – The Deviant Returns Edition! (2)
• May 9, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries: Karma Police…I Need Backup! (1)
• April 1, 2009 -- Wizardboots’ triumphant return (2)
• January 11, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries – It’s All About The Music Man… (4)
• December 14, 2008 -- SLL: Blogging with Dieselboi… and beer (3)

Surviving as an artist/musician/whatever over the years has never been a financially lucrative venture.  This is where the dreaded “day job” comes into play….a necessary pain in the ass that pays the rent and other expenses.  However, being a fairly wild and untamed free spirit, I tend to go after the more unusual employment opportunities….jobs that give me a chance to have those bizarre experiences that make great stories and can even occasionally become songs.  Last year while working as a camera/prompter operator for a live tv news show in Northwest Arkansas, I learned about a strange tradition in the small mountain town Eureka Springs where every holiday season, someone steals the Baby Jesus from the downtown nativity scene.  After properly absorbing this situation, I got right to work and wrote the song “Who Snatched The Baby Jesus?” which continues to be one of the most requested in the Wizard Boots repertoire.  See how that works?  I did another one about a news anchor at our rival station across town….I had a bit of a thing for her…..even got to get her a copy of it through one of their producers….but alas…never got to even meet her face to face.  BUT the song is still out there and I’m sure she still secretly fantasizes about the wizard….or maybe I just fantasize about her fantasizing about me.  Anyway….a career with great pay and benefits is fine, but I’d much rather have a job where drinking and having sex on the clock aren’t necessarily frowned upon and I might even get the opportunity to use a flamethrower.

Since relocating to Oregon a few months ago I’ve taken on several odd jobs that have all worked out well, but the one everyone always wants to hear about is my weekend graveyard shift at a 24 hour adult video store/sex shop.  I’m in there, usually all by myself from around 11pm until 7am providing cheerful service to whomever or whatever happens to wander in off the streets of sleazy Southeast Portland.   Actually wander is probably the wrong choice of words….we don’t really get alot of wanderers.  Most of the clientele have very specific intentions when they come in…..some a bit too specific…..gotta draw the line when getting propositioned by dirty old men.

So the purpose of this blog will be a documentation of what’s going on out there in your fine city while you’re probably sleeping.  And since something really funny/sad/twisted/disgusting happens just about every night I work….there’ll be no shortage of material.  So….without further adieu, let’s kick this off with The Tale of The Burrito Queen.

She walked in alone….I was alone….and without any sort of introduction or small talk she got right to the point.

Her:  “Do you want to have sex?”

Me:  (after a long thoughtful pause) “Well….I’m kind of working right now.”

Her:  “I can see that, but……do you want to have sex?”

Now she wasn’t unattractive….not really my type but certainly not unattractive.  The thing was….she was munching down on a massive burrito while trying to secure my services and something about the way the words “Do you want to have sex?” sound coming out through a mouthful of chewed up beef, cheese and lettuce…..it just doesn’t sound as appealing.  So I went with me gut on this one.

Me: “Ummmmm…..not particularly no.

Her: (shrugging unfazed) “OK….I had to ask.”

At least once a night in there I say to myself, “My mom would be so proud of me…if she could only see me right now.”  This was the one time I wasn’t being sarcastic.

Related Posts

• May 9, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries: Karma Police…I Need Backup! (1)
• January 11, 2009 -- Porn Shop Diaries – It’s All About The Music Man… (4)
• October 19, 2008 -- SLL: The Sexisode (0)
• August 24, 2008 -- Porn Shop Diaries – Yes, My Refrigerator Is Running (2)
• August 15, 2008 -- Porn Shop Diaries – Crazy From The Heat (6)